I tossed and turned as I tried to settle into a sleep, pulling half the covers off my searing body while simultaneously throwing one leg out of the side of the sheets.
I was absolutely boiling, despite the freezing temperatures of December outside my sheets. I couldn't sleep - my mind was straying all over the place, my thoughts torturing me.
I thought about the way he'd looked at me at breakfast this morning. I remembered that night those few weeks ago, how incredible he'd been in bed...
I couldn't understand this; that was what I didn't like about it. I had forgotten about him for months, his name never even crossing my mind...and now suddenly a few glances across the room and I was a wreck. I sighed to myself, clambering out of bed into the chilly air.
I slipped into my dark pink bikini, throwing a zippy over it along with a pair of bed shorts, before stepping out and locking the door, heading in the direction of the hotel pool.
My feet padded noiselessly along the carpeted hallway floors, me being basically the only person awake in the whole place. The lights were dull, or completely off in some cases, in most hallways, but I didn't feel the same jitters that most people would, the fear of being alone in the dark. I was sort of used to it by now. I was used to lying awake for hours alone, the darkness creeping in around me, choking my life away. I was used to the warm tears that always arrived when I let my thoughts wander too far away. I was used to being bustled around, meeting new, interesting people every day, the photo shoots, the celebrity parties, the nightlife, all the famous sex icons throwing themselves at me, to which I willingly received - just like I had that night with him. But there were some things the media didn't see, behind closed doors. The truth was, nobody really knew me.
And they say, she's so lucky,
She's a star but she cry, cry cries,
In her lonely heart thinking,
If there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night...
I reached the pool, thankful the lights were still on. I pushed open the glass door to the poolside, padding along to the edge of the water. I sat down on the edge, lowering my lower half in slowly. I flinched at the freezing temperature, the heaters being off at this hour. I took a moment to adjust, immersing my legs in the cool liquid once again. At least it would wake me up a little. I'd been so tired lately.
Tired of life, if I was honest.
I sighed, standing up before shimmying out of my shorts, unzipping my jumper and leaving them both in an untidy heap in the floor.
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes tights. I mentally prepared myself.
Then I took a running start, and jumped.
My body smashed into the water, quickly becoming completely submerged in it, the icy sensation numbing every nerve end in my body immediately. My head emerged as I gasped for air, the change of temperature overwhelming me. I slicked my hair back out of my face, wiping my eyes to clear my vision. Patterns rippled away from my form, the effect of my splash still evident in the waves hitting the side of the pool. My breathing became a little slower as I paddled around, trying to get used to the water, my body tightly tensed at the cold.
Gradually, my muscles eased, my limbs relaxing as I adjusted. I floated for a while, unwinding, before I began swimming lengths, alternating my strokes, enjoying the feeling of the water flowing around me. Swimming was my favourite type of exercise - it didn't feel like work at all, and it calmed me. I could let myself go, just switch off to everything around me, like a light bulb flickering out.