A very long (sad) Author's Note

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I guess I owe all of you an explanation. I am going to be posting this on all of my books, so if you have multiple in you're library you only need to read this once.

I honestly don't know where to start. Maybe with my voice? If you didn't know last year I lost my voice for about a year. It came back in December after a completely unrelated surgery and a bad case of strep throat. I lost it again in January but now I have it back completely and fluently. And I have for a while. If you don't know I have a passion for singing. It makes me feel sane. I also have anxiety and especially when it came to my voice being that way and me having to speak to a class. I finally did my Spanish speaking exam and I got an A. So to everyone in my school who thought I was faking to get out of it suck my dick. I revised and studied and practiced so hard for that. One night I stayed after school for an hour and half just to perfect it. I wanted to do it and I wanted to pass, I always did. My voice had nothing to do with it, I was not faking to get out of it. I did it and I passed with flying colours. So suck it. As you can probably tell getting my voice back has improved my confidence and self-esteem a lot. That's the happy news.

Where next? My appendix surgery? I suffered a lot after surgery, with pain, with eating, with vomiting and I was weak for about a week afterwards. A few days after I was home I had a shower on my own, in my own bathroom. I was washing my hair and almost passed out. I was so so weak. My mum had to help me get dressed. I am now a lot better. Sometimes I still get pains but I suppose you get that with any surgery. One of my scars has actually faded which makes me so so happy. For summer I am not gonna have that perfect beach body because I'm going to have the surgery scars but for once I don't care. I'm healthier than ever. I feel as though my appendix has caused me problems for about a year. Funnily enough my immune system has improved, and I've only had two throat infections since surgery which is a win win because I used to collect them like stamps. More good news.

Now it's gonna go down hill and I have a lot of bad news but I need to rant so you don't even have to read this but I need to get it off my chest or I'll rip my hair out.

Let's start first with 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago my mum was sick. Very suddenly. One minute she was talking to me in the kitchen about prom and the next she was in an ambulance. My mum couldn't stop shaking, she wasn't making sense and she was freezing cold. At first they thought she had a stroke. My mum and brother wouldn't let me go with them to the hospital and with my anxiety this gave me a really bad panic attack. I broke down and had to stay with my dad. I honestly didn't stop crying all night. The next day I was more depressed. My mum was still in hospital and I broke down again. I was getting told what to do and I couldn't take it. I smashed my phone and then I sat in the bathroom for about half an hour almost tearing my hair out. My brother came in and calmed me down and then I took a shower. Then my other brother sat with me for an hour while I watched TV with a cup of tea and just calmed down. My sister hugged me and brought me my stress ball. If you know me at all you'll know my relationship with my brothers and sister isn't the best. So when this happened it must have opened their eyes to how much I was hurting. The next day I went to school and I broke down in class. I was so stressed I started my period in the middle of my cycle on the pill. Luckily that night my mum finally came home. This wasn't the end of my breakdowns but that's the next issue. My mum still isn't well but she's getting there. It's just scary seeing your parents like that.

So well the day after my mum came home I fell out with all of my friends. I feel like for you to understand this I need to backtrack. So a few weeks ago I got my Media exam results back and I got a B and my friend got an A and then she was boasting about it which fine be happy about your grade but it was like she was purposefully rubbing it in my face every time she saw me, she smirked and told me she got an A. The same day, last lesson I had English. I got my test results back and I got another B. My teacher is someone who thinks As are bad and you have to get A*s to make him happy and he came over and told me my work wasn't a complete disaster and he wanted to speak to me. I was close to tears. The same friend then boasted about how she got an A in that as well "I can't believe this is my work" and stuff like that. Bearing in mind I was sick the day I took this test so I wasn't expecting much but I was upset I hadn't got lower than an A in English before and that teacher is horrible. As soon as I got out of that classroom I started to ugly sob and I couldn't stop. Me and my friend went to the bathrooms and I calmed down for a while except I couldn't stop crying. I then went to see my tutor teacher because I was so upset, mostly about my grade. I told her why I was upset and she put my grades in perspective and knew there was something more. I told her about this girl and she didn't even know who she was and just told me to focus on my grades because my grades were good and she wasn't worried about me. The friend I was with at the time, by the next day had told someone, who told someone else which spiralled and got back to the girl who I went to my tutor teacher about. This was no ones business but mine. It was a private conversation I let my friend stay for. Anyway she started something but we agreed to drop it. That week of my mum being in hospital, the day after she came home she started an argument with me. She knew about my mum. She knew I was upset. She was making comments and so were other people around me and I felt like they were quoting someone and then I realised. She then proceed to spin off a loud of shit at me calling me insensitive for going to my tutor teacher and she was angry at me for telling my tutor she was "insensitive" and that my tutor was going to "speak to her". Neither of these things were true. When I asked where she got this I found out my friends had been telling people about what had happened. I found out a lot of hurtful things were said about me behind my back. Including that I was "pathetic for crying". The person who said that was meant to be my best friend. After school she came up to me again and I asked her why she chose to start it again when there was no need. She said "you looked happier".  That night walking home from school I sobbed on the phone to my mum. I then had arguments with my "friends" about what they'd been saying behind my back. I then argued with my mum and then I sprained my hand. I was utterly done with everything and I'd lost all hope. The next day they tried to argue with me at lunch and I burst into tears and ran upstairs. A maths teacher who I've known since my first year saw me and he sat with me while I vented and told me I could come sit with him if I needed to cry again. The next lesson proved to be the worst of my life. I found out a lot of things,  including the fact I had been spoken about by the girl to her head of house and she was going to come get me. I had to leave the lesson sobbing, I went to speak to my head of house about everything. Anyway the next lesson her head of house got me. As soon as I shut the classroom door I broke down in ugly sobs. I refused to speak to her because she was accusing that id done something wrong by going to a teacher when I was upset because it made this girl look bad. I told her about my mum and about how she was rubbing her grades in my face and she wanted me to apologise to this girl. I refused. I wasn't even offered a tissue. I sobbed in my head of houses office for half an hour after that. I couldn't cope with everything. I was getting blamed for something when I wasn't in the wrong, I was stressed enough as it was. I refused to speak with her. And until yesterday I didn't. I don't like arguing with people and I wanted to sort it out but she won't unless it's with her head of house so I agreed. I still feel extremely hurt by this situation and especially with so called friends who tell me they don't want to get involved when I ask how to make it right yet they're the heart of the problem. I just can't trust anyone anymore.

Right now it's 12:03 am which means I can officially say this, it's my Step Mums death anniversary today. A year ago today she lost her battle with cancer. She fought courageously for two years. Her death hurts me in particular for two reasons. 1) I was the first one to find out apart from her and my dad. I saw a text on my dads phone one day by accident about tests and he told me. He rang me a few weeks later and told me. I was sworn to secrecy for a month. She didn't even know that I knew. I couldn't tell anyone and I had this big secret bottling away inside of me for a month. I sobbed every night. It broke me. And 2) I didn't say goodbye. The lay day I was meant to see her was a Saturday. I was at an extremely low point in my life and I was extremely depressed I wouldn't go out of my room and I'd scream if anyone came near me. I didn't get to say goodbye or I love you that day. Within a week she deteriorated quickly and by Friday, good Friday of last year, she was dead. The first thing I got told when I woke up is that she died in her sleep. I still feel guilty for not saying goodbye and I miss her so damn much. After she died I wrote letters to her for a week. I haven't deleted her phone number, I have a Facebook message from 3 years ago. We had a song. The first time she told me I could sing and be a singer I was singing wherever you will go by Charlene Soraria. It's my first YouTube video, my channel is dedicated to her. She's here. She's always here. I know she's watching over me right now. I love you Jacqui and I always will, I miss you lots and lots❤️

I did enlist a friend to stop me from being this upset but she bailed me because she's too lazy to get out of bed. I always have to do stuff to go to her but she never comes to my aid. I'm sick of having no friends to rely on.

I also have exams coming up in 6 weeks hell starts and I have about 5 weeks of exams so in 11 weeks Im free.

I'm crying a lot right now so I'm going to go. I wanted you to know I'm not ignoring you or procrastinating or neglecting it all. I'm struggling, I'm trying, I'm stressed. I'll be back to updating as soon as I can and I know you've all heard this before but I'm in a much better place now and I leave school soon and I mean if.

I love you all more than words can explain. Thank you for everything you ever do for me and reading and voting and commenting on my books, it means the world. I see everything and I love you all.  Thank you for putting up with me. If you ever need anything I'm here, always.

I love you.

Hannah xx

Also I want to take a minute to pray for everyone in the world who's been subject of terrorist attacks over the past few months. I wish you all safety and hope you're all doing okay. Let's pray for world peace soon.

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