A couple days ago we finished making my song and video. Today is the day that I leave for rehab, and I've never regretted my decisions in my life as much as now. If this wasn't for Cameron then I would be backing out right now. I'm pretty sure that I can survive a couple months in rehab after all I've been through. I texted Aaliyah so much times so we can hang out before I go, but she still never replied. When I asked Shawn what's wrong with her, he told me that it's her place to tell. I walked downstairs and Cameron was making oatmeal. Jack was sitting at the table on his phone, smiling at something.
"What are you smiling at?" I asked and sat next to him, peeking over his shoulder. He looked at me with sadness in his eyes, but continued to smile as he put his arm around me.
"Us", he said and kissed my cheek. I smiled and looked up to see dad watching us from the corner of his eyes. When he noticed me looking at him, he pretended to be focused on the oatmeal.
I walked up to him while he poured it into the bowls and hugged him from behind.
"Good morning dad", I softly said and he stopped what he was doing.
"Uh good morning uh, I'll be right back", he replied and rushed upstairs. Everyone was so sad this morning and I guess I'm the only one good at hiding it. I just stood there and took it everything that happened/ is happening.
"Shit, I can't do this anymore", Jack mumbled and I turned around. He had his head in his hands and he was sobbing.
"I can't live a few days, heck months without seeing your beautiful face. I-I just can't", he rushed out of his mouth. I took a deep breath because this is the one time I needed to be strong for everyone and not the other way. I grabbed his hands and slowly pulled them away from his face. He looked away so that I don't see him cry, but I put his arms around me and hugged him.
"This is hard on everyone, I know, but i promise to talk to you everyday, okay?" I whispered and my voice cracked as I wiped his tears.
"Just because we aren't close in person, it doesn't mean I will stop loving you", I continued and picked myself up before I could break down. He kissed me and then we continued to hug.
"I have to go check on Cameron", I mumbled and made my way upstairs. I stopped in front of his door and bit my lip while looking up. 'You can do this; just keep together this one time'. I slowly opened the door and saw him standing at his bathroom sink and crying while leaning forward on it. I've never seen him n this state before--red blotchy face, shaking body, puffy eyes. I slowly walked into his room and could feel my wall breaking down. I looked to the side and saw a picture of when I first came home and started to sob really hard. I didn't notice that I was crying until Cameron looked over at me and his eyes went wide. This time I didn't even care, my throat hurt and i dropped to the ground. I put my head between my arms and sobbed harder on the floor. Jack walked in and sat on the bed while crying with his palms on his hands. Cameron slid down the wall beside me and continued to cry, but hugged me.
I got up and ran out to my room to grab my pills. I quickly took one and my breathing started to go back to normal. I washed my face and changed into one of Jacks hoodies and grabbed my bags. I went downstairs and they were both there, in the living room, staring into space. They got up and grabbed all the luggages as we walked out.
I was staring out the window as the trees passed and turned on the radio.
Sometimes it all gets a little too much, but you go- I quickly changed it.
Tried to fix me up but I'm not broken, all you do is leave me stained- change.
And baby when you fall down, I fall- If i have to change it one more time.