hey guys its here, just a few random one liners to get u guys giggling enjoy (warning not for the faint hearted,
Iv been training as a cage fighter, iv got my first big fight is coming up next week,.....the budgie wont know whats hit it.
Iv always hated those orange looking girls in the department stores, displaying there fake tan and saying it natural its natural!....not unless your father slept with a wotsit!
how the hell does paper beat rock? here you throw a rock at me and il defend myself with a bit of paper!
If u shoot a mime, do you need to use a silencencer?
Some people say im special...i prefer to think of myself as a 'limited addition'
Iv just been barred from B and Q, some guy walked up to me in an orange apron and asked if i wanted decking, lucky for me i got the first punch in!
I just got a job with the samaritans the others day, i tried to phone in sick, but the idiots talked me out of it.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A blonde texts her friend asking what "IDK" stands for, the friend texts back saying "i dont know". the blonde sighs aloud and shakes her head "nobody does"
Eagles may soar, but we dont get sucked into jet engines.
Error no keyboard, press F1 to continue.
Im not a vegetarian because i love animals, im a vegetarian because i hate plants.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well
When in doubt, mumble
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Next time you wave, use all your fingers
Female responses to cheesy pick up lines:
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.