dear ana ❥ h.s.

she is in love

four months after the fight

I wait outside his door, my knuckles just about to hit the hard wood. I thought to myself, looking down at my watch, holding my hand still in front of the door. I glance at my watch again, sighing heavily. 3:43 am.

"Dammit, Ana, just do it." I whisper to myself, taking a deep breath before knocking loudly on the door; surely waking him from his slumber.

It was sprinkling slightly, air blowing up my skirt as I waited very impatiently. Minutes passed, and before I knew it, it was pouring rain and he still hadn't come. I check my watch again, eyes squinting to read the time. 4:00am.

"Where the hell is he?" I say, peeking in the window. The lights were all off. I knock loudly again, waiting for him. 

My wild brain took over my body, thoughts jumping to the worst possible scenario. Was he even home? Did he know it was me and he just couldn't face me? I needed to apologize. I needed to tell him how I feel.

I pace the patio, contemplating leaving before knocking frantically on the heavy door one more time. A light finally flickers on, locks on the door clicking.

One, two, three... I count to myself.

The door swings open, a dazed man standing in front of me. His hair had been cut into a beautiful short mess and he was shirtless, boxers sat low on his hips. It was the first time in a while I've had the joy of seeing him shirtless and beautiful. I missed his tattoos and his tummy.

"Can I come in?" I ask hesitantly, looking at his glossy eyes. His eyebrows furrow together, head tilting like a puppy. He steps aside, allowing me to come inside. I do.

I leave a small puddle where I stand, body trembling. He finally wakes up fully, closing the door slowly and locking it.

"What's up?" he asks, looking over at me before walking to the couch and grabbing a blanket. His voice sounded rather upset, yet thankful I was actually here.

I pace the living room, eyes squeezed closed. He looks at me curiously, staying distant. When I'm done, I finally look up at him with tears forming in my eyes. I couldn't look at him, my feelings taking over my entire body. I almost felt numb, numb from the pain and numb from the love. I couldn't breathe, and not just because I knew I was dying.

I loved him, more than I've ever loved anyone; even my father. I loved every inch of him, every fiber of his being. It was slowly killing me inside, and on the outside. I hadn't slept in days, haven't eaten, haven't been able to do anything. I was scared to attach myself to a human being like I did my dad. I had my walls built, I knew how far to go and when to stop. But when I was around him, I couldn't see the red lights. I couldn't see the line being drawn; where I should step and where I shouldn't. I had no guide, and I finally realized I was on my own.

I missed him badly, I missed every damn part of who he was. I miss living in his house for weeks and eventually returning home only to feel lonely and detached. Four months - four months of pure hell and mourning I've been thrown into. Four months of lonely doctors appointments, four months of radiation with no one to hold my hand. I've had three surgeries, no one there waiting for me when I finally woke up. Before my most recent, I prayed I wouldn't wake up. I didn't want to be alone any longer.

"I'm going to tell you something, and you have to promise not to interrupt me." I finally say, sitting on his couch.

"Ana are you alri-"

"I said not to interrupt me." I snap, seething with anger. He nods in response, eyes flooding with worry. I quickly calm myself down, breathing deeply through my nostrils.

"I want to apologize, first of all. I want to tell you how deeply sorry I am for leaving you alone, and more importantly for lying to you. I didn't want you to pity me, or to belittle me, based solely on the fact that I was dying. I didn't want you to baby me." I say softly, voice rasping. "I also want to tell you how painful this is, how painful it's been for me. Waking up every day, pain flooding my entire body. Half of it from the radiation, half of it from missing you. Opening my eyes after a surgery and not seeing you there, I can't even begin to explain the pain I felt there. I dreamt beautiful dreams under the anesthesia, dreams more beautiful than we'd ever be. You were with me, and I always wished I wouldn't wake. And with my last surgery, I prayed I wouldn't wake after it. But here I am." His eyes are watering, but he remains silent. He knew I wasn't finished.

"I believe that there are soul mates, that you're created to not be lonely. And I'm sure you're mine, and it pains me to leave you. I know you've lost your first love, and I know how it feels to have your heart physically removed from you and crushed under a giant shoe." I close my eyes, clenching my fists by my side. My breath is becoming ragged, but I couldn't stop here.

"Harry, I'm so in love with you. I'm so in love with every single bit of you, from the way you stick your tongue out when you eat, to the way you make weird noise when you chew. I love when you'd talk in your sleep sometimes, and how I would occasionally hear my name. I love your beautiful, curly hair. I love your green eyes and the way the sun shines off of them. I love your messy eyebrows, the way they come close when you're upset or confused; like right now." a small laugh manages to escape my lips. "I love your large hands, and your long legs and arms. I love your bird tattoos, I love the heart you have on your arm. I love the cage on your chest, and I love the butterfly on your stomach. I love your pudge around your hips, I love the way you laugh when I make stupid jokes. I love the way you laugh at your own jokes. I love the faces you make when you eat weird foods, and the faces you make when you're sleeping. I love your comments through a horror movie, or a sad movie, to make me feel better. I love your constant words of adoration, and I surely loved it when you finally said you loved me."

His eyes are hurt, but a small smile is painted on his painfully beautiful face.

"I'm sorry I didn't say it back. But I'm saying it now, and God, Harry, I love you with every fiber of my being."

Silence fills the space between us. He stays distant, arms stiff at his side. His eyes meet the floor, his lips moving to say something.

"That's not all I have to say." I interrupt him before he can even squeeze a word in. I take a deep, long breath, breath coming out shakily. He looks back up at me, his eyes filling with sorrow. He so desperately wanted to respond, I could see it scribbled all over his beautiful, pale face.

"I only have a month to live."

Sometimes home isn't four walls, it's two eyes and a heartbeat.

//

for u YakelinMendez