I couldn't think of any other way of saying this but writing it down on a piece of paper may help me lessen the punishing pain I am bearing. However, I think this is the closest thing I could do without flipping out any minute from now.
I did not wish for anything to make me face all the problems I am suffering from now. It has been two years and I cannot endure it any longer. There are things that people don't really understand. They don't know how it feels when people laugh at you at school. They have no idea what goes on with my life, hell, they even didn't bother to ask me if I'm fine.
I was hoping someone could really develop a working time machine which I could use to turn back time and stay there. Even though things from the past will repeat itself a lot of times, I wouldn't mind. In all honesty, I would rather choose a life where I can live a non-ending day without feeling anything but bliss than living life continuously and feel the pain everyday.
I wasn't like this. Not at all. I was known as the 'sunshine', the 'rainbow',the 'unicorn' and such. In short, I was known as the happiest person alive. But like what a quote say, sometimes the happiest person are the saddest one. I find it funny because everything in me is ironic. They knew me as the happy-go-lucky one but when I am confined by the four walls of my deep blue room, I felt like dying.
Dying. Such an outlandish word. The word never did stop on lingering every nerve of my brain. It didn't even took a break and turn around and think about something positive. Or maybe I am thinking something positive: Something positive about dying.
Maybe if I could end up my life right here... Right now... Maybe, just maybe, things will go better. After all, no one will ever notice. Sometimes I felt I was invincible. But the truth is, it hurts that I know that I exist but no one cares.
My life is like a sea. As you look at it horizontally, the view is definitely breathtaking. As if the world is an endless journey. As if you have the freedom to conquer every air inside your little lungs that are hidden beneath your body. But when you let yourself sink in, seeing the view of the sea vertically, it's not easy. It's dark and scary. As if any minute from now, the darkness of the sea will hold your neck and choke you to death. Slowly drowning you to your downfall.
My physique is what you can see in your naked eyes, but you cannot penetrate even deeper than that. You don't know how I feel every fucking time. You don't know how I think about myself. Nevertheless, if I tried putting my feelings into plain words, you won't understand. My thoughts are incoherent. They are like puzzle but with a missing piece. You will never have the chance to complete it, just like what a world means to me. I will never have the chance to complete it.
I am incomplete.
I am imperfect.
And that is why I strive for perfection. Because, I thought, it will help me to accomplish my world. To embrace the contentment. To fulfill happiness. And maybe starving myself to pefection will ease the agony.
I was never pretty. But thinking about the sharp bones of flawlessness, will make me feel lovely. To be lovely enough to be loved by the people around me.
My thoughts are slowly killing me. The demons inside of me are telling me not to eat because I am fat, undeserving of love and useless.
My letter has a message for you.
Please don't call a girl fat. You have no idea how it crashes her world even though she plasters the warmest smile that she could offer.
Please don't call me fat. I am broken and my world has already shattered. But still, I am smiling for you. I don't want you to know how affected I am. And how I secretly hate myself for eating.
