November 16th, 2015

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Things I Want To Say To "HER"

You will be out of here in a years time hopefully.....

I don't want you to say that when you get out, you are going to quit your addiction because I already know it's a  b r o k e n promise. I came here today 8/1/2019 to not really say goodbye but more so... to tell you I don't forgive you for all the things I went through while you were off ( God knows where) doing ( God knows what). I'm also here to see you again even if its just for a short while. I don't regret having a person like you in my life, but just know that I wish you would've done better. You gave me hope and on that fearful day you told me  g o o d b y e.

I wasn't ready for a goodbye. I was depressed for 3 days after that and I still haven't gotten over it. That day will replay in my mind over and over, about how you had been a coward, a deep deceiving coward. You chose that addiction over me and him. You at least had the decency to give me an 11th birthday gift. I don't suppose you got him anything though. I still have the card, the letter with your handwriting, and the stuffed animal I probably still keep on my bed. 

I bet you don't know is that most nights I cry myself to sleep because I know you are in this place. On, November 4th, 2015, I ended up looking up your name and records, I ended up finding a post on Facebook, saying #busted. It was definitely you I saw. I then read the comments, and they made me burst into tears  , to the point where I didn't even know if I was breathing.

I bet you also don't know I am diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) after the traumatizing event that was my grandmothers death, I threatened to kill myself at 8 years old. 8!! I didn't even want to be in this world anymore. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BECAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN'T.......... So I was sent to be baker-acted, which in other words was a mental institution for kids like me. But don't let me forget the best part........ Since my diagnosis with MDD, it comes at random periods during a 2 to 8 week span, where I have suicidal thoughts, impulsive crying, and me wanting to die half-the-time oh and it gets better. My family doesn't know about this but my dad does, because I told him after spending an hour and a half crying my heart out. I also have social anxiety and the fear of being alone and the fear of never finding love. I can talk over the phone no problem, but I hate, absolutely hate with a passion is speaking in front of a class, standing in an area where I am unfamiliar with, buying something myself, talking to other people, saying my opinions, and probably right now it's kicking in.

With my fears of being of alone and my fear of never being loved, those come from you. YOU did this to me when I wasn't ready for a goodbye. Even meeting you right now there is probably fear where there shouldn't be. Now I am stuck with the inevitable fears of being alone and never being loved or even goodbyes that aren't brought back with a hello. Let me tell you, it sucks to have a messed world and a messed up life. Though you probably already know this considering you are in here. I have always been made fun of for either being a foster-child or and adopted one, it's not easy explaining to other people how or why you're adopted and why you are in this position. It is also not easy telling your foster/adopted parents things about your past because you just break down in tears, about how bad it was. 

I have a hard time opening up to people, I am constantly self-conscious when I open up to others, because I don't know how they are going to respond.Now I already know what you are going to say, because I am writing this four years from now and it is going to accumulate more and more thoughts, anyways you are going to say " how it was so hard for you with the addiction, the children, and the choice, and to be honest, this is harder for me than it is for you because you have always been like this, you have never tried to quit. I would've understood, I would've been there for you ALWAYS, that addiction would have killed you.  I would have never killed you, I would've kept you alive while that addiction was killing you slowly. 

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