Long before my doubts about God, I was like any other little girl who was raised in a christian family- innocent, sweet, pure and I had always been a goody two shoes.
Unfortunately, I was much too young to understand what having a relationship with God meant, in fact- I hadn't even heard of such a thing! I had always thought that as long as you were good, and nice and you didn't swear you would have the chance of going to heaven. Maybe if I had known earlier in life I would have turned to him a lot sooner... it would have eased a lot of the suffering and pain.
School was the worst. From the time I was young, I had always been the quiet one. I didn't have very many friends and often times I had been picked on. But even though it was rough and I knew that I wasn't one of the most well liked or well known girls in the school, I kept my head held high and I toughed it out.
For a long time, I had thought that pushing down the feelings was going to help. Unfortunately, I was lying to myself and to everyone else around me. And you know, I think I actually managed to fool myself into beliving that I was happy with the way I was being treated.
This went on for years... When I was eleven, I finally realized what it was to be depressed. I remember it so well. I sat there on my bed, and cried. I couldn't help it, what was I supposed to do? The feelings that I had kept inside for so long were finally resurfacing and all of the tears that I had been holding back for so long finally couldnt be held inside anymore.
It wasn't long before I began to iscolate myself from people. At home I would sit in my room for hours by myself, only coming downstairs when I needed to eat or when I was forced to, but for the most part, this was the place that I could get away from everyone else. At school I would keep my distance from my friends and from the teacher as often as I could. Every chance to socialize I would pass by as if it meant nothing... and I was pushing away the few people that cared about me the most and it was dragging me down at an alarming rate.
From there it only got worse. Some of my peers from school had thought it would be funny if they could get the quiet one to work up a habit of swearing. Obviously I was going to fall for the peer pressure because the one who was pressuring me was the boy I was crushing on at the time.
So, in no time at all, I had become a bitter, angry, depressed child who coudn't make a friend to save her life.
Unfortunately, it wasn't just my school life that had dropped to an all time low. My life at home was even worse. My parents and I were constantly arguing and bickering. I don't remember a time when we ever got along back then. To be honest, I thought my parents had hated me. I had gone from being the perfect daughter, to "the problem child". The kid who made life just that much harder.
It had never occurred to me, that it was my fault that we argued so much. I was the one who always started it. If only I just took responsibility for my actions, and stop yelling back when they had the right to yell at me for doing something stupid.
After two years of constant depression and anger, I was tired of my life. I just wanted it to come to an end. I even started hurting myself when I was twelve years old as a way to relieve the pain whenever I was hurting. I knew that my parents wondered every now and then where the scars on my wrist were coming from, but they were too afraid to ask.
When I hit grade nine, I was an emotional wreck. I hated God with every inch of my being. I wasn't getting bullied anymore, and I had friends, but I still didn't have anyone to talk to about what I was gonig through.
The night I forgot about God was the worse night of my life. I told myself that if my life had become that bad, then there can't be a God... or at least not a loving one. If he really loved me, then He would have stepped in by now, right?
From there it only got that much worse. My relationship with my parents had almost ceased to exist and I was starting to become a bully myself. I was even using suicide threats against my brothers as a way to get what I wanted.
Almost three to four times a week I was having mental and emotional breakdowns where I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out until I couldn't anymore. Often times this would last one to two hours.
This emotional time was also when I decided that I wasn't pretty enough for anyone. I felt that the only way to make me prettier or even just to get back at the world was to begin perging. However, there was a voice in the back of my mind telling me that it would never make me prettier and that the only person it would hurt was me. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to the voice and I had often tried to perge by sticking my finger in my mouth, but fortunately, I don't have much of a gag reflex. So, developing an eating disorder was out of the question.
I believe it was in Febuary or March that I changed my life for good. This was months after I had forgotten about God; almost a year I think.
After a night of arguing with my parents as usual, I went to bed crying. It felt as if my life had fallen so far apart that there was no way to pick up the pieces again.
I don't remember too much of what happened next, but the next thing I knew I was on my knees praying to God.
I told God that if He existed, then I needed help. I told Him that my life was a mess that I couldn't clean up, that He was my last hope, and that I couldn't do it by myself. The last thing that I remember was breaking a deal with Him. If He could manage to clean up my life within the next few months, then I would give Him everything I have; my life, my love, and myself.
If anything, I didn't think my life would change. I thought that I was just being stupid and foolish. I never thought that He would actually listen to my prayer. He had more important things to attend to, afterall. There were people who were in far more pain than I was. Now, I really wanted things to get better, but at the same time, I didn't want them to. I was afraid to give everything to Him. I was afraid of what other people would say, and plus, I would never be good enough for God. I was far from perfect... In fact, I was beyond repair. I didn't think He'd want to fix me. There was too big of a mess... I didn't think anyone would want to!
I'm not sure how much longer after that, maybe a few weeks, maybe a month, but it suddenly seemed as if my anger and depression subsided. I had long forgotten about my cry out to God. But for some reason, my life had become so much easier than before. Even my anger towards my parents had disappeared. We weren't fighting and bickering anymore and we were actually getting along.
Not too long after, my brother introduced me to a group of people who he had only begun to hang out with a few months prior. It was a youth group half an hour away from my house. After I started going I began to realize that there were Christians my age who I'd be able to relate to and who wouldn't judge me for who I was.
It didn't take long for me to finally start feeling it. There was something different about myself that I hadn't noticed before. I was happier and more outgoing then I had been in the past four years. That's when I remembered the promise that I had made to God. It had never occurred to me that He would actually manage to fix what I had taken four years to destroy. God had glued the pieces of my life back together without me even really noticing. He kept His part of the bargain, so why shouldn't I? And that was the day, when I finally stopped resisting God's amazing love and began to embrace it instead.
If it were not for Him, I probably wouldn't be here. It just goes to show that God can take a situation, and turn it around for the better. He is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me and I'm so lucky that He changed my life when He did. There is absolutely nothing in this world I'd like more than to see Jesus one day and to praise Him and all of His glory.