For years I’ve been trying to become stronger, physically and mentally .Trying to just be slightly more normal, less a weak dramatic creature. Things have always been easy for me, and the hard parts of my life didn’t make me stronger- they made me weaker. I gave in too much and grew to enjoy letting tears stream down my face while sobbing violently, either curling up cuddling myself or carefully destroying things. I’ve realized now that my way of thinking, acting and reacting is, most of the time, complete and utter bullshit. No, this isn’t like the little moments of self-hate that I used to have, this is opening my eyes and realizing what I’m doing, not only to myself but also the one I love most, the man I’ll be sharing the rest of my life with. If I’ll keep up the way I am now, it’s not gonna be a good life for either of us. Even worse, I could lose him way before my big dreams of marriage and luxury look like they start to become true. Shit. And it has nothing to do with him, no, I fell in love with him and I love every single bit of him, soul and body. It’s me who keeps fucking stuff up, and I’m not sure if there even is a reason why I do. It’s pretty confusing. But I’m over with this, I no longer see a reason to cry my head off as long as all of my limbs are still attached to my torso and nothing horrible has happened to a loved one.
I also have to learn how to deal with stuff without turning violent. Why the fuck slap the shit out of the one I love? Because he’s being an annoying little boy with bad jokes? What, that’s adorable. I don’t think violence is the right way to say anything. Also, as if it’d work- it almost looks funny, a little angry kitten trying to prove how angry she is trying to be. Yyy…yeah. Pfft.
Time for change, girl. If I don’t want to be what I am now anymore, then I will not be that way anymore. It’s for me to decide, right? Thought so.
So, I feel like crap because I’m not drawing like I used to anymore? Because I’m not making music and videos anymore? Because my dollies are getting all dustyrusty? Do something about it, weirdo. As if your tears will magically form the most beautiful art ever made and make you a rich artist. Neh, don’t think so. Pick up a goddamn pencil and sketch some shit and finish the ones that don’t fail, not every piece of art is a masterpiece. It takes one click to open up FL Studio or Sony Vegas, and it takes a swift roll of your chair to reach your keyboard. Your dvds are all within arm’s reach, ready to be ripped. Wish you made more media? Just fucking do it, even if it’s only under a minute long. Think your dollies need more attention? Wish some of them goodbye and cuddle the ones that you love most, like you used to. It made you quite happy just to look at them, remember?
Sara darling, what’s holding you back?
Your lover? No way- you’ve still got loads of free time and all you spend it on are virtual farms and dragons. Perhaps playing Sims is somewhat acceptable, since it has character-design features that you need to train for your future, but still. Pooklet’s job isn’t as important as your own job. So get some more sleep so you feel better at work instead of staying up doing unimportant things.
No, my lover is not holding me back from doing whatever I want, he’s more like my savior because he’s willing to take me places like the forest, cities, trips and other things I’m too scared for to do myself. I have the time to do whatever I want. I’m about to have as much money as I need to do what I want. And my wishes are rather realistic.
I want to make myself and others proud of me, I want to create, I want to explore, I want to learn, I want to share, I want to love, I want to enjoy. So again sweetie, what’s holding you back? Only you are holding yourself back. So let yourself go, unfold those imaginary wings of yours. It’s time.
(Written by my gf Sara !!! ^^Learn from it, if you do not comment positive reactions I'll trace you down and kill you =D )