[An open letter to those girls who are hurting because of their 'Almost Lover']
Regrets. One of the shittiest thing that could freaking kill you.
Oh, and add overthinking to that, and what do you get?
Welcome to the battle of the mind vs. the heart.
Mind over matter? Easy to say, hard to do.
I should have done this, I should have said this, I should have been sweeter, I should have exerted more effort... and the list goes on.
Honestly, why do people only realize the worth of someone when he/she is gone? Why do we always tend to take things for granted? Why do we end up regretting? Why do we end up getting hurt?
But most importantly, why do they let us get hurt?
Why does the other person make you feel important, but in the end will suddenly tell you that all of that was nothing? That you were just friends, that you were just hanging out, that he didn't really made you feel special. That maybe you chose to feel that way, so basically it's your fault for being hurt. It's your freaking fault.
If someone has a choice, will he/she choose to be hurt? Most probably we can assume that it is a big no. Who does that? Unless they're on that level where they become a sadist and voluntarily hurt themselves. No.
You try to build walls, but he breaks it, he tries to break it. He gains your trust, you become comfortable with him, you share your thoughts with him, you say good morning and good night, and he always makes your day. But suddenly, everything has changed.
He doesn't hold your hand any more, he doesn't say good morning, he doesn't say good night. He doesn't ask how you are. He doesn't even start. He doesn't initiate the conversation, he doesn't exert effort to talk to you or be with you. When he's with you he doesn't speak, he doesn't ask question, he's not interested anymore, he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care about you. He starts to not do the things he constantly does before, and this will start to fck your brain up. Was it your fault? Did you do anything wrong? Were you a little too pushy? Impatient? Bitchy? Whiny? Needy? Clingy? Did he get scared that you are falling for him a little too much and he can't handle the expectations? Was he falling for you and he feels like you don't feel the same, so he gets cold so he can avoid the pain?
You're dying for answers. So you ask him. You get a little too nervous. How will you start? What will you say? What will he say? What will you feel? Will you cry? Will you get mad? Will everything end? Will you really ask him? Are you sure?
But you can't handle the pressure caused by overthinking. You feel like anytime soon your brain will explode... and your heart will melt. You feel like you know the answer, but you want to hear it from him. So you ask him.
What do you feel about me?
Friends. That's what you guys are, at least according to him.
You ask yourself how the fck are you just friends? You talk everyday, he knows a lot of things about you, he constantly asks how your day went, you go out for movies, he pays for your lunch and dinner, you act couply, you kiss, and now you guys are just FRIENDS.
Or was it your fault? Was it your fault that you assumed that there was something? Was it your fault that you thought he likes you? Was it your fault again?
And then you start to regret.
What if it was your fault? What if he really liked you, but you did something that made him change his mind? What if you're too hard to handle and he got tired? What if you could have done something to make him stay but you were too naïve to see that? What if all of this was your fault?
Then you blame yourself.
You blame yourself for not doing everything that you can to make him stay. You blame yourself for not being good enough; you blame yourself for everything. This is where you'll start to die. Not literally. Emotionally.
You'll get hurt. You cry. You start to miss him. You want to text him, or call him; you want to know how he is. Is he seeing someone new? Is he okay? Is he happy? Does he miss you too? Or is he happy with someone else?
Then you overthink again.
Brain, why don't you just fucking shut up sometimes and be overly active when you are needed? i.e. school.
What if he's seeing someone new? What if the reason why he doesn't want you anymore is because someone who's more interesting came along? What will you do?
He's not even yours to begin with.
What will you feel? How will you handle the situation? What if you see them together? What will you do? Don't cry. Don't cry.
But you do.
These fucking tears, why do they always betray you? Why do you have to cry? He's not even worth your time. He's a scumbag, he's a lazy ass, he's immature, he's a jerk, he's hardheaded, he doesn't listen, he's selfish, he brags too much, he's insensitive, he gets mad... a lot. Why do you even waste your time crying for him?
Why? Because he's cute? Because he's mellow? Because he's chill but at the same time he take things seriously? Because you can feel like he can protect you? Because you feel like you can depend on him? Because he made you feel special? Because he's fucking smart you feel like you can learn things from him? Because he's really knowledgeable you don't have to worry that he's wiser than you? Because he's so deep, you feel like you can drown from his words? Because he looks at you and you can feel the butterflies inside your stomach rumble? Why? Tell me, why do you cry for that silly little boy you pretty little girl, why?
Then you realize... you like him, or do you even love him? Love? Too soon? Maybe you like him; maybe you care for him... a little too much. And him? He cares for you... a little too less.
And it's too late.
He's not coming back.
He got tired. He doesn't want you. He never wanted you.
He's not coming back.
No matter how you wait. No matter how you pray. No matter how you cry.
He's not coming back.
And the only thing you can do is to be strong, breathe, close your eyes, and try (please try) to move on. Try to forget about him. Try to forget about his gorgeous smile that could take your breath away, his dark brown eyes that could smolder you just by looking at you, his thick eyebrows, which made him manlier, and his red thin lips that you have always wanted to kiss, over and over. Try to forget about him, dear. It's hard, but you can try.
You can cry, yes honey, you can cry. You can miss him. You can blame yourself. You can overthink. You can. But don't overdo it. You can allow yourself to be weak, but only to let you feel that each day you're getting stronger.
Because he doesn't give a damn anymore. He doesn't give a damn about everyone... about you. But what can you do? You can't make him stay. If you can, you probably should have done something already. But you don't hold his heart, and he doesn't feel the same way, and you know you should give up, but your dear heart is still hoping, hoping for a second chance.
A second chance he'll never give.
A second chance that you will never ever have.
And now you're hurting.
And you always ask yourself... Does it ever stop?