Readers Digest 50 Funniest Jokes 2005

Start from the beginning

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.

"He says you're gonna die."

What a Card!

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

-- Pun American Newsletter

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.

"Break it to her gently," they all urge.

"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

What's Black and White and ...

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

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Swimming With Sharks

What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?

All the information you want, except you can't understand it.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

Why It's Important to Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

-- Steven Wright

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? How's it work?"

"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

Badump-Bump

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow!

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"

The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"

"No," says the bum.

The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"

Again the bum says, "No."

So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Blue Collar Comedy

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"

Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:

# The tires on that truck are too big.

# I thought Graceland was tacky.

# Duct tape won't fix that!

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Good Question

Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!

"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"

Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."

The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.

"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

The Usual Suspects

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...

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