Something Infinite

Chapter 27

"People change, opinions change, kids just aren't for me. I would rather live the rest of my life with my wife by my side, just us two, with no distractions around."

"A child is not a distraction Angus! They are a gift and a blessing! What is wrong with you? My Angus would never speak like this, either start telling me what the real issue is, or leave. You're not going to sit here and belittle being a parent, and lie straight to my face."

Of course I didn't want him to leave, but I felt like a threat was the only thing that would get him talking. He looked to me contemplating whether he wanted to open up or not, then turned away. I thought he would then get up to leave, but surprisingly he was letting his walls down, sighing in defeat.

"I would rather have my wife here on earth with me, than risk losing her just to give me a kid. That's the truth," he finally admitted.

"What do you mean? You act like there's either the option you have her, or have a child, why can't you have both?"

"Because there are no guarantees Jen. There are so many risks in her having this surgery, I'm scared she won't wake up. I'm scared they'll f*ck something up, one wrong move and she could bleed to death.

This surgery isn't a guarantee that she will fall pregnant, I don't want her to risk her health and her life based on a maybe. Just say the surgery is a success and she falls pregnant, what if she miscarries again? I went though months of hell because we lost our child, I lost her too. I physically and mentally can not handle that again, so why would I put myself in the position to?

But you know what, there is every chance she'll carry full term, and her giving birth scares me more than any of this!"

"But why? What could possibly make you fear her giving birth to your child? I don't get it!"

"You..." He said quietly and timidly.

"Me? Why me?" I was confused, what did I have to do with him having children?

"Jen, when you gave birth to Mia, none of us knew if you would pull through. You lost a lot of blood, you were in surgery for ages, we were all scared we were losing you. Harry was a mess, I can't even imagine how your parents felt at the time.

I know how I felt at the time, and it was the most intense feeling of fear I've ever felt. I've never really lost anyone that close to me before, and I didn't know how to handle it.

No one knew that would happen to you, you had no major complications during the pregnancy, you were healthy, the baby was healthy, but that still happened to you. You pulled through thankfully, but not everyone does.

Why would I want to put my wife in that position? I don't want to risk losing her, so I would rather give up having kids than live in fear for nine months that something bad is going to happen."

It made sense now as to why he didn't want kids, but I wish he didn't compare my situation to Gemma. He should not let my experience, stop him from wanting his own, no one was to say anything in Gemma's pregnancy and birth would go wrong.

"You can't let fear take over your life, Angus. Everything happens for a reason- if you and Gemma are meant to have kids, then you will. But you can't shut yourself off from the idea of it, just because you're scared it won't happen.