[trigger warning : self-harm]
no, none of this were working. instead, the number on my weighing scale increased. i bite my lips as tears fell down uncontrollably from my eyes.
why were the numbers increasing instead of decreasing? i don't understand. i don't understand anything. i worked hard and yet the numbers were like climbing up an endless mountain.
i really envy those girls who are slim even without trying. and even though some eat a lot each day, they still managed to look like a stick.
why can't i just be like that? why can't i just be as pretty and as perfect as them?
at last, i still had to resort to this. i slowly walked towards my drawer, opening it and took out the shiny silver blade.
after all, it was my only buddy. the buddy that understood me well, the buddy that gave me a lot of pleasure and just everything.
"wow," i chuckled, as i looked closely and the blade. it seemed like the blade was just fascinating to me.
swiftly, the blade was on the skin of my wrist as i slowly slide it across it. pain surged through my body and i was enjoying it every bits of it. blood spurted out of my wrist and soon i felt dizzy.
why am i still alive? i don't even want to be alive. i hated that no matter how many times i cut, i couldn't die.
i just simply want to be pretty, why is it so hard? why is it so hard to acheive something?
"jae hee." namjoon's voice snapped me out of my trance. i almost forgot that he was here.
"namjoon," i breathed out. "i just want to die."
namjoon stay silent from what i said. i took that as a sign for me to continue what i was saying.
"i don't understand why – having a small waist, having slim legs and less fats, why is it so hard to achieve that?!" i screamed out in frustration as the tears cascaded down my face as well.
"i'm so tired," i whispered. "i'm so tired of life. i'm so tired of people judging me. i'm so tired of the fats that are on my body. i just want to cut all of them off, no – i just want to die. what's the point of living when all i feel is being tortured and hurt?"
"jae hee, i told you that i would help you right? stop blaming yourself, it's not your fault that you are like this. no one in this world is perfect including me. everyone has flaws. it's about whether if people accept your flaws or not." namjoon explained.
"i accept your flaws, jae hee. they make you a unique person. stop cutting yourself. have you think about me? about how i would feel if you are gone?" namjoon continued. a pang of guilt immediately hit me hard. but nonetheless, i shook my head at that thought.
"stop brainwashing me, namjoon." i sighed in despair.
"stop thinking so negative about yourself, jae hee."
"everything about me is negative." i commented.
"if you are negative, then i'm negative too. together we will be positive," he said and smiled at me.
i finally updated this hehe
why can't i have someone like namjoon :((((
and sorry for such a depressing chapter i kinda wrote this yesterday and just poured all my sad shits out hAH
but next chapter will be a happier one :)))