Remenissions (Avenged Sevenfold)

Chapter 36

Matt's POV

I needed sleep, I'd told Lana we both needed sleep, I told her to sleep, we'd talk in the morning, but I couldn't, I'd tried and I just couldn't.

I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I'd been arguing with myself for the last month and it had taken a toll on me, it really had and now, well now I wasn't sure what I was doing, although I knew what I wanted to do.

I turned over and looked at Lana, she was sleeping, soundly. She was curled on her side, facing me, mouth open, breathing deeply and I looked closely at her face. She was so familiar to me, everything about her was so familiar, she was like an extension of myself, a good extension.

I sighed. Lana. We'd been friends for so long, it seemed like forever. We'd grown up together, gone through school together, gone through everything together really, everything, and she meant so much to me, so much.

Where do I start? I don't know. Maybe the beginning.

Lana and I met at the park when we were seven. I was riding my bike, she was playing on the swings. I recognised her from school and I decided to go over and say hi. I was really glad I did. From that moment on we did everything together. Our parents would let us walk to school, but only if we were together, so everyday we walked to school, everyday. We grew up together and everyone always expected us to be together. If someone was having a party or something, generally we'd only get one invitation, both our names would be on it, because everyone knew, where ever I went, Lana came. We stayed close all through high school, hell we survived puberty together. I remember walking by her house one morning, it was the first real warm day of the year and I knocked on her door like I did everyday, and when Lana came out I nearly had a fit, she had boobs and I didn't know where to look. It didn't take me long to get used to Lana with boobs and I don't think she ever knew that I had a little freak out over her boobs, I never let on.

I smiled, I can still picture the singlet top she had that day, her boobs really made an impression on me. We'd stayed friends all through high school, through different boyfriends and girlfriends, everyone just expected us to be together. We'd never kissed, we'd never done anything, although I know Brian never believed that, he would still tell me to this day that I had to have copped a feel at some stage, but I never did, honestly. Oh well, not until recently anyway.

I met Courtney at a party that a mutual acquaintance was having. Lana wasn't there that night, because the older we'd gotten the less time we spent together, but only because of work and everyday stuff, we hadn't drifted apart, we still spent time with each other when we could. Anyway the night I met Courtney I thought she was fabulous, she was nice, good looking and I got her number, even better, when I introduced her to everyone they liked her and I'm the kind of guy who couldn't date someone if my friends didn't like you. We dated, we got closer and she never interfered with my relationship with Lana, she never had a problem with it and she would encourage me to hang out with her. That was it, as far as I was concerned Courtney was the one and I decided to propose. I took her out, there was flowers, a nice meal and I popped the question and I was really excited that she'd yes. I was a lucky guy.

I reached over and brushed a strand of hair of off Lana's cheek, looking at her. God, how had we ended up here?

I thought Courtney liked Lana, I really did, until I asked if Lana could be a bridesmaid, that's when I got my first glimpse of the real Courtney, she would not have Lana as a bridesmaid no matter what, so I decided to do what I did, the best man thing. Lana would be a part of my wedding, no matter what. Courtney hated that idea, but she tolerated it, because she knew that when it came to Lana, I would do anything, Lana was like my sister and I would die for her.

Courtney decided to be difficult when it came to Lana. I wanted her to wear a dress, Courtney insisted she wear a suit, so we came to the understanding that Lana could wear a dress, as long as Courtney approved of it. That's when it started, when the whole thing that led to me where I was now, that's when it started, the whole dress fiasco. Lana and I made plans, we went dress shopping and we did what Courtney had asked, to send her pictures so she could choose a dress. Admittedly, it pissed me off, because I knew, before we even started that Courtney was not going to like any dress Lana tried on, she'd decided she hated Lana and now it was obvious. Lana tried on dresses, and honestly, she could have worn anyone of them, she looked beautiful in them all and each time she stepped out of the dressing room I would feel my breath catch in my throat. It wasn't until she stepped out in the last dress that I realised something was happening, she looked so fucking beautiful and it would have been a tragedy to not let her get that dress, but the part that worried, well beside the fact that I didn't tell Courtney about the dress, the worst part for me was the way my heart ached at the sight of her, at the sight of Lana. Lana who'd been my friend all these years, suddenly she was a woman and I began to wonder why I'd never seen it before.

I tried to convince myself it was because I was getting married, I had cold feet, and I kept telling myself that over and over and over. I thought it was working, I really did, until Vegas. I don't know how drunk Lana was, but I remembered all of it, I remembered the lap dance, but most importantly I remembered the kiss, that kiss, the kiss that messed up my head.

Messed up my head was understatement. I tried to gauge Lana's reaction to that kiss, but she went on like nothing had happened, she acted like nothing had happened and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It consumed my thoughts, everyday and every night and suddenly I realised that I was getting married to one woman, but I couldn't stop thinking about another.

Everything went downhill from there. I was stressed, trying to work out how I was going to marry Courtney, telling myself once we were married it would be okay, everything would be okay. The more stressed I became, the more stressed Lana became and the more bitchier Courtney became. I'd convinced myself it would be okay right up until this morning, this morning when Lana had walked into the room to ask how she looked, I knew right then, right at that moment I was marrying the wrong girl.

I probably could have handled it better, maybe have told Courtney myself, instead of just running away, but I panicked and I had to get out of there, right at that moment I had to get away from everyone.

After I left the church I went home and got changed, grabbing some clothes and going to the beach.

Lana, she was all I could I think about. Lana. I'd just left a woman at the altar and all I could think about was Lana. I was in love with her and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

I moved closer to her as she slept, wrapping her in my arm's. She belonged there, in my arm's, it just felt right and I kissed her forehead closing my eye's.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I would tell her everything and I was terrified that our friendship might end. I was about to tell my best friend that I was in love with her and I was terrified that she would laugh at me.

I didn't know how Lana felt, sometimes I felt that maybe she felt the same, and other times I didn't. She had a boyfriend now and I didn't know how she felt about him, but I guessed tomorrow I'd find out.

I was terrified, terrified that she'd reject me and I was scared of losing her. I couldn't lose Lana, I just couldn't.

I laid there for a while longer, just looking at her and I wanted to lay here for the rest of my life watching her.

"Matt." She suddenly whispered.

"Yeah?"

"You need to sleep." She murmured and I pulled her closer to my chest, smiling when I felt her arm slip around my waist.

"I do." I whispered.

She raised her face to me, whispering. "Sleep Matt." And  I leant down, brushing my lips across her.

"Okay." I murmured. "I will."

"Good." She whispered, snuggling even closer to me.

Today was supposed to have been the most important day of my life, but now, now it would be tomorrow. Tomorrow, when I told Lana how I felt about her.

God, I thought, holding her tight, god I hoped she felt the same, I really did.