Looking for Alaska-I Mean, Purpose.

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Here's the major lesson about life that I've learned so far: life is hard. I mean, it is so freaking difficult. Kung sa laro, may easy, medium, at hard, sa life, wala. Isa lang - difficult. Kapag akala mong swerte ka ngayong araw, maghintay ka lang nang kaunti, mamalasin ka rin. Napansin ko kasing kailangang balanse palagi ang araw mo. Parang araw at gabi. If the sun rose in the morning, then it's meant to set at night. Good and bad. Beautiful and ugly. Positive and negative.

Hindi pwedeng puro saya. Hindi pwedeng puro lungkot lang. Kasi hindi smooth sailing ang buhay. May ups and downs 'yan. But if you will think about it, an easy live is not worth living. And you can't hate the sun for setting at the end of the day, because if it stays there, then you won't see the stars at night. The stars are beautiful too, right?

Kapag ang laro, madali lang, mabu-bore ka. Maghahanap ka ng thrill. Kaya huwag kang maghanap ng madaling-buhay. Dahil kalaunan, tatamarin kang mabuhay.

I'm always complaining about how difficult my life is, but in reality, it's pretty easy. Tamad lang talaga ako. Walang masyadong passion sa buhay. Hindi motivated mabuhay. Hindi inspired mabuhay.

Don't get me wrong. This has nothing to do with my lack of love life. I don't think romance (or lack thereof) defines my life. You might not get what I'm saying because one: you're too young to understand or two: you have a different perspective. Let me say this though: purpose is more important than love life. At least, para sa akin.

Without purpose, there is no sense of direction. Kung saan ka lang itapon ng buhay, doon ka. Para kang bangka sa gitna ng dagat na walang navigator kaya stranded ka sa gitna. That's what it feels like to not know what you're living for.

People can find their purpose anywhere or anyone. Parents might see their purpose in the faces of their children. Nurses, in their patients. Priests, in their churches. Ako, hindi ko alam. Maybe I'm looking at the wrong place. Or it could also be that I'm right where I should be, but I'm not looking hard enough.

I'm saying this because I feel trapped. I feel like I'm living a very mundane life. Kahit noon pa man, hindi ko na nasusunod ang gusto ko. Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit. Wala kaming pera kaya hindi ako nakapag-Fine Arts. Mahina ang loob ko kaya hindi ako nakapag-UP. Dala ng pangangailangan kaya ako nag-IT. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay kaya ako nag-nonvoice agent.

Pero alam mo 'yon, parang palaging may kulang. I feel like I am full of potential, but I'm not getting the right materials to work on to show the world my best self. Palaging kulang sa passion. Palaging kulang sa motivation. Palaging sunod sa agos.I feel like I'm just alive because it's better than being dead.

I wish that I know what I'm meant for, so I could stop chasing the wrong dreams and reaching goals someone else has set for me.

Gusto kong maramdaman na gusto kong mabuhay. Na masarap mabuhay. Na masayang mabuhay.

Because right now, I could probably just drop dead and my dead self would think, 'Meh. It wasn't worth it anyway.' Alam mo 'yon? Bakit kasi ang hirap? Para bang inilagay ka sa mundo para hanapin ang isang bagay buong buhay mo and you'll end up wasting half (or more) of your life holding on to something that you thought was it.

Nakakalungkot pa nga dahil madalas, kung kailan mamamatay ka na, saka mo lang mari-realize 'yong gusto mo talagang gawin o marating. I mean, para saan ba 'yong mahabang-mahabang build up? Simula pagkabata, nag-aaral ka na para magkaroon ng magandang trabaho someday (doktor o abogado halimbawa) tapos makukulong ka na sa isang path at doon ka na lang hanggang sa isang araw, maiisip mong 'Bakit ako nag-doktor (o abogado) pero gusto ko naman pala talagang maging singer?' Tapos dahil matanda ka na, lipas na 'yong opportunities para sa 'yo. Ang daya, ano?

Right now, the only thing that feels right in my life is writing. I've always wanted to be a writer. Without writing, I'd be more lost than I am right now. If this isn't the right path for me, then it's probably the closest to that.

This is why I don't really want to hear about people who aspire to be writers because it's in. It doesn't work that way. Pribilehiyo ang pagiging manunulat. Oo, nagsusulat ka dahil gusto mo at hindi ako magpapaka-snob para sabihin sa 'yong mali iyon. Dahil magandang ginagawa mo ang isang bagay dahil gusto mo ito. It's very satisfying.

Having said that, you also have to know why you like it. Does it give you the same high it's giving us? Fulfilling ba? Masaya ba? Kasi kung hindi, then what's the point?

Point. Purpose. The brain is for thinking. The heart is for pumping blood. Nerve cells are for feeling. Eyes are for seeing. Nose is for smelling. Ears are for hearing. These body parts, along with the other stuff, make us whole. But as a whole, do we know what we're meant to do? No. Syempre hindi masaya kapag alam mo agad.

Parang pagbabasa lang 'yan, e. Oo, pwede mong i-spoil ang sarili mo. Pero may chance na kapag hindi mo gusto ang ending, tatamarin ka na ring magbasa. Kaya siguro hindi rin natin alam kung ano ang patutunguhan natin. We have these ideals, things that we expect to happen for us. And if our end didn't meet our expectations, then maybe we wouldn't want to continue our journey.

Para saan ka ba nabubuhay? Ako kasi hindi ko pa alam.

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