Nothing to Gain (Watty Awards 2013)

Chapter Twelve: Descend into Madness

There was so much going on with me that I didn’t understand. I had strange abilities I couldn’t decipher nor comprehend why. I knew that werewolves could not touch me because of what happened to Krista although I understand it was probably Primrose doing. I had so many questions yet not a single answer. I wanted to know how I could live without my wolf and what it meant. I needed to know what became of Primrose. Did she really died? Was she at peace? I would never forgive myself if she was in some form of hell suffering. Wherever she was I wanted to make, no needed to make sure nothing could hurt her.

And what about the dreams I used to have of the shadows, did it mean something? I remembered when I dreamed about the shadows, it felt like it and I were one. I could feel all its malice, hate and emotion but I haven’t had the dream since Primrose died; of course this could be because I haven’t gotten a good night sleep for a while. Sleep was something that has been eluding me for a while now. Whenever I closed my eyes I would either dream about Primrose or be woken up by some extreme emotion I couldn’t make sense of.

But of all the things I wanted the most, Selene my so call mother was at the top of the list. From what Primrose told me there was more to her than meets the eye. After all, her death spur this massive ’abuse Primula campaign’ that resulted in unleashing a dangerous evil that was threatening to destroy the world. I wanted to know how she lived her life; the things she did, said, ate and places she went. Was she excited about being pregnant with me? Did she suffer doing the times she carried me? What was her last moment like before she… before she died?

Although I wanted to know all these things, I couldn’t pursue any findings because the only people who could give me any detailed answer were the ones I wanted nothing to do with. If the only way I could have all the answers I needed was to ask the werewolves then forget it!

“What do you mean you have no soul?” I jerked from my thoughts turning to the person who was interrupting my thought process. The ex-mate was now sitting by me waiting for my answer. I gazed at him very confuse as to why he was still doing here. I thought our strange conversation was over. Couldn’t he take a hint?

“I don’t see how it can mean anything else.” I snapped at him.

“Everyone has a soul!” he sounded frustrated.

“You and the pack made sure I wasn’t everyone.” My hatred was coming back with a vengeance. He needed to leave soon or I would do something that would disappoint Primrose greatly.

“Primula…I - please. Look I’m sor…”

“Look, this was all very weird and all, you talking to me, spitting out nonsense crap you call apology, but your presence here is annoying the hell out of me so bye!”  I growled at him making him flinch, and cutting of whatever he was going to say.

I stood up staring at the  clear running liquid. Hmm, it looked clean and I can’t remember the last time I had a bath, maybe cold water will calm the boiling rage that was fighting hard to push its way to the surface. I walked to the running creek looking for a place I could hang the black dress I was wearing. Yep, I really needed to bathe, because I’ve been wearing this dress for a while now. I gazed at the dress’ length wondering if I could cut it short and turn it into something presentable.

“I will gain your trust and forgiveness if it’s the last thing I do.” I frowned looking back at him. He looked determine as he give me a meaningful look, or what he thought was a meaningful look, but to mean he was just annoying. He smiled, nodded and left. Okay - I didn’t know what the heck that was but time to bathe.

I took of the dress and got in the water. It was very cool; I sighed as the temperature of the water sink into my body instantly calming me down. I buried my head under water and closed my eyes erasing every thoughts and feeling. I didn’t want anything to ruin this moment. I just wanted to think about my days with Primrose and imagine all the things she and I wanted to see or do if we ever gain our freedom.