Realization

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When we spoke in that canoe, it left me with so many thoughts. He rowed to shore, taking me by the hand to help me up. He pecked my nose with his lips as he towered over me, making me smile. We started up to the cabin. “What now?” I asked.

‘Whatever you’d like to do.”

“Is there a cute little town around here or is it all just woods?”

“There are some things in town, there’s a park.”

“Let’s go there,”

He nodded and dropped the sketch pad inside. I smiled at the picture again. We climbed in his truck, and drove a few miles to the most adorable little park. Kids were playing all over, families were having picnics. We held hands as we walked over to the swings, farther off from everyone by a little lake.

“You’d come here, with him?” I said quietly as he stared off, deep in thought.

“Yes, often, every day when we came to the cabin." 

I leaned my head against the chain. “What would you do with him?” 

“He taught me how to throw a ball in that field,” he pointed. “He taught me how to play kickball, always letting me win. We caught fireflies. He pushed me in this swing.” he gripped the chain, and shut his eyes.

“We can leave, I’m sorr-"

“No, I like being here. I remember,” he smiled. ‘He said, I think I was about nine, he said my ass was glued to this thing it should have had my name on it. So he took out his pocket knife and carved our names in.”

“Really?” I smiled. He stood up and flipped it over. There it was, Des and Harry Styles Swing. “That’s very sweet.”

“Maybe, or stupid.” I was about to protest when a ball came flying over to us. I jumped, but Harry caught it with ease.

“Sorry,” a little boy ran over. He was probably six.

“It’s okay, good arm,” he threw it back.

The little boy smiled brightly and ran away. He sat on his swing, pulling my hand. I ended up in his lap and we rocked back and forth.

“We can camp out tonight, have a fire.”

“That sounds really nice,”

“It does.” He kissed my cheek and stood up. “Can we leave now?”

“Of course we can,” I gripped his hand, and ran my free hand up and down his arm gently, leaning into him. He kissed the top of my head, and we walked out of the park. I knew that was a lot for him. We got back to the cabin, sitting on the back porch in the sun, I had him posing.

“You are going to be so mad,” I giggled as I tried to draw him. “Oh no!”

‘What?” he smiled at me, so brightly. I loved that smile. 

“You look so bad.”

‘Let me see,” He jumped; I covered it, pinning it to my chest.

“No way, no,”

“Finny,” he smiled and took it from me. “Oh dear God, I’m a monster, why on earth are you dating me?”

“I can’t draw worth crap.”

“No, sorry to say my dear, you can’t,” he kissed the top of my head. “I still like you though.” He lifted me up with ease, having me sit on his lap. He put the sketch pad in my lap, his arms draped around me, like when he painted me at the Grove. “Let’s see how we can fix this,” he smiled, kissing my neck. He ran my hand all over the page, guiding it.

“Holy shit,” I whispered.

“That’s better,”

It looked just like him. I didn’t get how he could take the monster I made, and turn into something so beautiful.

“You are so talented, I’m keeping this. Since I don’t even think we have a picture together.”

“No, we don’t actually,” he thought.

“This is lame but I want one.” I took my phone out. He shook his head and gave me one of his biggest smiles, the kind where it touched his eyes. “Wonderful,” I said quietly.

We sat on the porch, just relaxing together. He brought his feet up in a chair, my lying on top of him as he drew and drew. He drew the trees, he drew the sky, and he drew us lying together. I loved watching him draw, I think I could do it forever. I ended up watching him until we started our camp out. I was deep in thought, really thinking of the feelings he gave me in that canoe, when he just smiled at me. 

“Can you tell me about the girls you slept with? You’re not a virgin, right?”

He choked on his s’mores; he licked the spot between his thumb and index finger, cleaning off the melted chocolate. The fire was warm, but my question suddenly made me feel warmer.

“Um, what do you want to know?”

“How many girls have you had sex with?”

“Probably…” he thought. “You want the number?” I nodded. “I’ve had ten or fifteen sexual partners.”

“Whoa,”

“That’s just sex,”

“So not including any of the other stuff?” he nodded. “Whoa,” I repeated. “W-Why?”

“What do you mean why?”

“Did you love them?”

“No, I didn’t love any of them.’

“Did you like them?”

“I liked… their company.”

“Why have sex with girls you never loved? You said you didn’t have friends, but you have sex? I don’t understand,” He thought, really giving me an honest answer, or I hoped so.

“I was fifteen when I lost my virginity. It was with a girl I barely knew at a party. She was sick of being a virgin, and so was I. I was alone. I was missing my dad. I was just so alone because it’s when my aunt left, and I was in that house by myself. I felt like I had to be this… big man. So I had all these parties, and get people over from other schools since I hated everyone at the school we go to now. I’d have girls just coming up to me, pulling me to my room. It made me feel like…”

“The big man?”

“Yes,” he breathed out. “I just wanted to feel like a grown up, when in reality I was a kid. I was literally out drinking, partying, sleeping around all the time because I was so lost. I was confused, you know? I didn’t know who I was; I didn’t have anyone to guide me. I stopped fooling around this past year, I knew it wasn’t right and it’s not sex that makes the man. It was all empty and meaningless. It was just about the physical. I guess I don’t’ want sex to be like that anymore, I don’t want to have motives. I just want to be with a girl because I care for her, and not because I want to feel macho or something. I want to be myself with her I guess. I don’t drink, and I don’t party at all anymore.”

I nodded. I was pretty quiet the rest of the night, really thinking about everything.

“Good night,”

We were in the tent, there was a skylight at the very top of it, I could see the stars. I could still hear the flowing water, and the sound of the wild life in the nearby forest. He hovered over me, wearing nothing but his boxers and kissed my forehead.

I said good night back quietly. I heard him let out a tough breath, and his body relax. I rolled over a few moments later, watching him sleep. That’s when it dawned at me.

I really wanted this guy to be my first time.

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