How I feel when I'm around you (System Of A Down)(EN)

What the early morning brings

I'm lying on the bed and Daron is on top of me, how the hell did it happen?!

These awkward and ambiguous situations are becoming too common...

I blush again, worse than before; my mind goes back to what happened yesterday evening, conscious of his presence and of his lack of proper clothes; unluckily no one of my muscles seems to be still functioning... fuckin' great.

Daron, still panting, stares at me, then he lowers slowly and my heart starts to beat furiously against my ribs and I close my eyes, knowing what's going to happen... but, after feeling his breath on my face, his lips touch one of my cheeks.

I open my eyes again, astonished by his act and by the fact that what I was expecting didn't happen, and see his face and his little smile. My heart is still pounding so hard and fast I'm afraid he can hear it in the silence.

«Nice fight, Freaky» he whispers, shifting aside a lock of his hair, then he moves and sits, staring into space.

I'm still in the same position, lost in my thoughts; suddenly I feel my eyelids get heavy and fall asleep before even acknowledging it.

-Daron-

After a time lapse I can't quantify something distracts me from staring into nothing and I notice the silence, so I turn to find Nikki peacefully asleep in an unusual position; her facial features are relaxed and her breath is regular and not loud... she seems so little and fragile, more than when she's awake.

Her collarbones push from underneath her skin so much that it seems they want to escape, her legs are thin and with some little scratches, probably childhood memories... then I catch a glimpse of some traslucent marks on her arms.

I approach carefully to have a better look.

They're scars, one after the other, on the forearms. I guess they're old 'cause they're pale but it doesn't matter, they shouldn't have been there, they should have never gashed her skin.

Nikki told me about thinking of committing suicide, but she omitted that she's been into self harm. She talked to me with open heart that evening because of alcohol and also because, as I can see, she trusts me... but why didn't she tell me about this? I would never judge her... I'm not into judging people and I've had my fair amount of negative experiences and dark periods, so I would never think of doing such thing.

I'll wait for her to wake up, so I'll try to ask her something...

I sit with crossed legs, propping my head with an arm, then as pastime I observe Nikki, the room, the furnitures, the clock on the bedside and the sun light that comes from the window. Seems like a lot of time has passed when I get back to reality and hear the voices of the guys chatting while they go downstairs. Hooray, those lazybones are awake! Now I have to wake up the girl, so we'll all be together.

«Nikki?» I call her softly, but she doesn't move. «Hey, Nikki, wake up» I try again, taking a wrist of hers and shaking it slightly.

The girl opens her eyes and I see her cheeks blushing lightly when she recognizes me.

«What's up?»

«Everyone's finally awake» I sigh happily «get up, so we can join the others.»

«Okaaay...» she yawns, rubbing her eyes and sitting on the bed. I have to talk to her before it's too late, now that we're still alone.

«Can I ask you something?» I ask, approaching.

«Sure... what?»

I take one of her arms with her forearm upward and lift it a bit towards me, then I look at her and she gasps; probably she understood.

«Why didn't you tell me?» I simply ask, looking in her eyes.

«I-I... uhm...» she stutters, lowering her head.

«Were you afraid that I could judge you?»

«M... maybe yes, a bit... don't know...»

I sight a tear rolling down her left cheek and I feel like I've been punched.

«Look at me» I say, then I gently take her by the chin and lift her head so she can look at me again; her eyes are a bit hesitant.

«I'm not reproaching you, lil thing, and I'd never judge you. I've got my fair amount of negative experiences and sensations, I'd be a total asshole if I thought I can judge who does certain things for some reasons. There will always be someone who will not understand and will judge instead of keeping their mouth shut, but ignore them and care about who can understand and support you. Do you understand me?»

She nods, sniffing lightly.

«Well. So, how old are these scars?»

«Two years, more or less. I started cutting in the last years of high school, after being abused by my first boyfriend... I couldn't stand the pain anymore. Every time the blood flew out everything seemed to get better for a while. I stopped some time after my flee, I understood I was only destroying myself and it wasn't worth it and from a certain moment onwards I didn't feel the urge of cutting anymore.»

I smile, encouraging. «I'm proud of you because you understood and stopped and got out of that spiral.»

Nikki finally smiles again and suddenly hugs me; while I hug her back I feel a wave of warmth in the chest, but I choose to not analyze it.

«You won't tell the others, will you?» she asks, with her head half leaning against my left shoulder.

«No, you will tell them when you feel ready. And, just so you know, they won't judge you too.»

«Okay. Shall we go?» she adds, breaking the contact.

«Go ahead, I have to go back to my room to dress up and take one thing, I'll reach you in a minute» I say, getting up; she nods, then I go away.

Once I'm back in my room, I quickly put pants on so momma Serj won't scold me because of my indecency, then I root around in my stuff.

I still have a copy of both the albums the guys and I have produced until now, I kept them as a possible present, but I couldn't find the right receiver for a gift like this until now. I've decided that I'll give them to Nikki, hoping she will appreciate the gift and, who knows, also the music.

After wrapping them up in a little paper bag I stand still for a moment, my eyes stuck on the package in my hands, then I breathe and move.

"Malakian, are you getting anxious even for a present?"

«Shut the fuck up» I hush the little voice in my head, going downstairs.

[Author's note: here I am! :D I'm not very sure about the title of this chapter but I couldn't find a better one at the right moment xD since I have to go back to studying for the next (almost) 2 weeks, I'll update less frequently because I haven't written too much and I need time to translate what I've written until now :c hope you liked this chapter, as always let me know what do you think :D see you soon xoxo]