Fortunate.

Sixteen

Sixteen; 

The day in the month of July when you first came into my life. It was an accident, yes. But it was a beautiful one. The way my eyes lit up when I saw you and the way your lips curved into a smile almost right after I reacted the way I did. You, my love, are the best accident I've ever experienced. I am so grateful for your existence.

Sixteen;

The number of minutes you had to wait until I replied to the first text message you sent me. I didn't mean to take that long, trust me. But I just couldn't control the butterflies that occupied my stomach the second I saw your name on my phone. It took me sixteen minutes to calm down and sixteen minutes to compose myself once again just to be able to reply an, "okay!" when you asked me if I wanted to get coffee with you the day after. I thought those butterflies would go away after sometime. That I'd get used to your presence, somehow. Those butterflies never went away.

Sixteen; 

The number of times you had to say, "I love you," and not hear me say it back. But you never really care if I did. You simply wanted to express how you felt because you said it was such an overwhelming feeling to keep inside. You didn't pressure me into saying it back or whatever, and that's what I've always loved about you. Yes RJ, I love you.

Sixteen;

My age when I first met you at that Candy Cuties convention you had attended as well. Who would've thought that I would be meeting you five years later again, huh? I don't even remember why I was there to begin with. I was probably looking for somebody else. But I remember not seeing him, and seeing you instead.

"Okay na nga 'yan! Sayang biyahe!" 

For some reason, I ended up getting a photo with you and it proved to me how destiny works so amazingly.

Sixteen;

The amount of months that passed by until I finally gave you the sweetest yes I could possible give. I'm sorry I took so long. Timing is everything and it wasn't until a year and four months later until I believed the time was right. You waited, though. You showed me how true your love was because you waited. Despite the struggle of waiting, you waited.

Sixteen;

The average of the number of hours our late night phone calls usually lasted. I don't really know how we did it, to be honest. I guess we just got along so well that we were able to talk about anything and everything. From how our days went up until talks about how menstruation cycles worked. You never understood, though. You gave up trying to understand after the third time I explained all about it. I can't blame you; it's a pretty horrific thing to think of. The last hour of our conversations would always be my favourite, though. The hour where we've run out of things to talk about for the day, and so we'd end up drowning in each others' silence. I'd hear your breathing on the other side of the line. "Sing to me," you'll always say. And every single time, I'd hear snoring half an hour later. It's the little things like this that make me love you more.

Sixteen;

The number of months we were in our relationship until we decided to move in with each other. I do admit that at first I was still hesitant. But I also realised that mornings spent waking up without you by my side are dull mornings. Days wherein you didn't get to drive me to work were bad days. Evenings that were spent coming home to people who weren't you were incomplete, and nights spent laying on an empty bed filled with cold sheets were miserable. I knew then, there wasn't any hesitation at all.

Sixteen;

The amount of fights we had in the span of two months: the worst two months of my life. I guess, everything was just getting too much for us. We had to juggle work and family and our relationship all at once, it was impossible to keep up. We'd fight over the pettiest things. I don't even remember half of them, but I do remember how your eyes looked when you got so frustrated over everything. How your eyebrows furrowed and how your lips would disappear into a thin line filled with disappointment. I still get sad thinking about it. Two weeks passed by without us talking to each other and I was having a hard time breathing without you by my side. I was so close to giving up. You came home with the saddest eyes I have ever seen on somebody. I never want to see the love of my life like that ever again. I stared at you and it wasn't long until I just broke down and cried. You hugged me so tightly, it was as if you were trying to take away all the hurt in my heart. 

"Is our relationship still working? Please, sabihin mo nalang kung ayaw mo na. Hirap na hirap na'ko." I didn't know how you felt, but I was so desperate. I needed to fix myself. You lifted my head up and stared into my eyes as if I was the only thing constant in your life. 

"Hindi, Meng. Aayusin natin 'to. Hindi tayo susuko at kahit kailan man, hindi kita kaya sukuan. Tayong dalawa, diba? Mahirap, oo. Pero titiisin ko at paghihirapan natin na ayusin 'to. Mas mahirap ang buhay na wala ka."

Sixteen;

Today. Today is the sixteenth, and RJ, oh how I miss you deeply. I don't know where you are right now. Five years; five years since you passed away and five years since the day you left my life. We were going to eat laksa together, remember? We both finished work early and we decided to have our rare date nights. You were going to pick me up.  I waited. I waited and I waited and I waited. But you didn't come. It wasn't until three hours of waiting that I received a phone call. You got into a car crash and you didn't make it. Why did you leave me so soon? We were going to have a future together. You have no idea how painful life is without you. You have no idea how hard it is to wake up, every morning, wishing you were right beside me. You have no idea how hard it is to stop myself from setting plates for you whenever I eat. You have no idea how I miss those beautiful brown eyes of yours; they were always filled with genuine emotion. You have no idea how I miss the butterfly kisses you'd give me every night you'd come home to me waiting for you in the living room. You have no idea how I miss your hugs and you warm embrace. You have no idea how much I miss you. You have no idea.