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             It has never happened in the history of both the magical and muggle world put together. J.K. Rowling is amassing an obscenely huge amount of money by fraudulently reporting on the epic battle between Harry Potter and You-know-who, and passing it off as a fiction novel for children. She is lauded by the muggle community as a literary genius and is today believed to be the first and only billionaire novelist due to the huge fortune she gained from the proceeds of seven books, eight movies (whatever that is) and related merchandise rights.

She is said to be worth more than a billion dollars in muggle money. A billion dollar is equivalent to such a dizzying amount that the chief goblin of Gringott fell into a swoon trying to convert it into galleons. Born to two muggles and niece to the squib Hogwarts janitor Argus Filch, Rowling – a contemporary of Harry in Hufflepuff – had dismally weak magical abilities, she was discovered late and enrolled into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at the ripe old age of 26.

Considered by fellow students as ancient looking, being decidedly ill-at-ease in public even in the muggle world, Rowling kept mostly to herself in class and spent much of mealtimes with her uncle. She managed to skip from one level to another of Hogwarts school education due to the laxity of the muggle-loving headmaster Albus Dumbledore. And when Dumbledore died in her sixth year, she knew her time in Hogwarts was up.

But credits must be given to her for making the most of her exposure to the tumultuous events of the magical world and – yes, you won’t believe this yourself either if you had not read it from me – yours-truly’s own Quick-Quotes Quill. She must have found it in the bushes where I dropped it during the Triwizrd Tournament when that brown-hair-ball of a witch, Hermoine Granger, caught me in the act (Never you mind what that was all about. As the muggles say: M Y O B ! )

When the Death-eaters took over Hogwarts in her seventh year, Rowling disappeared and was apparently undetectable by snatchers due to her extremely low level of magicality in her blood and routinely got mistaken as a muggle. And that magically impotent decrepit fraud of a witch made real good use of all she got and made a decent living for her own self.

Unknown to me, all the years with Rowling, the Quick-Quotes has been penning my thoughts, including the going-ons with You-know-who and my reconstruction of Potter’s, Ron Weasley’s and Granger’s personal lives and their adventure in hiding from You-know … – uhh!!! What the … as the muggles say … FISH!!!… – Voldermott! The inextricable connection between me and the quill could not be erased as it requires an extrication spell to be performed in the presence of the quill. And all the work for my upcoming series of books was revealed completely to her!

For so many years, Rowling has been getting away with the biggest crime of the magical world, thanks to the Ministry of Magic which is in tatters even after ten changes of Ministers. Last year there was a glimmer of hope with the election of the eleventh minister post-Voldermott and the first female Minister ever in the history of magic. But calls for Rowling to be brought to trial for breaching the Magical Code of Secrecy were met with a disappointing response from the ever-so-lunatic Minister Madame Luna Lovegood Longbottom.

She decreed that the matter is best left alone as the muggle world will never believe Rowling’s story to be any more than children bed-time story and Rowling is unlikely to reveal her magical identity to keep up her literary genius persona. Besides she could hardly spurn a rabbit out of a magician’s hat, if her life depended on it. Huh! She may not need a “rabbit in a hat” act for a living today, but how about me?

Today, the Minister had employed the Fedilius Charm 2.0 with the help of her all-time buddies Potter, Weasley, Granger and hubby Neville Longbottom acting as joint secret keepers. The adulterated version of the charm shields Rowling from any witch or wizard’s view. And with five morons as joint secret keepers, the charm is as good as the Unbreakable Vow. As always, magic does its own self in and the muggles once again win the day and will forever rule the world.

Yours in anger,

Rita Skeeter.

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