Ready To Run (Jalex)

Twenty Three

TRIGGER WARNING

It was three in the morning. Alex was sitting on the bed in his room and trying to calm down. He was shaking and crying. His whole body was trembling in fear. He felt nervous, disgusted and terrified all at once. He didn't know what happened or what made him so upset. He just woke up and felt like shit. He wanted to release all the negative feelings and emotions, but he wanted to make Jack happy.
I feel so bad.
I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to Jack about this.
But I can't let him down.
What should I do?
I'm scared.
It hurts.
I need to cut myself.
I don't want to, I need to.
But Jack said that I shouldn't.
Why does he even care?
Are we still together?
Does he like me?
Do I like him?
Do I love him?
Is it just a phase?
Should I talk to him about all of this, or just keep it all in again?
He let out one hurtful sob and got up. He turned on the lights, walked over to his bags and kneeled down. He started to look for his old black wallet. He couldn't find it at first, but then he pulled it out of one of the bags. He opened it and expected to see his blades, but they weren't there. He panicked. He looked inside once again and tried to find the pieces of metal he needed so bad. He let out another sob when he realized they are not in the wallet and threw it away. He started to search for the blades inside the bag, throwing all of the clothes and other things away, sobbing uncontrollably. He was desperate. He could barely see because of his blurry vision from the tears. His breathing was irregular. He searched in all of the bags, but the pieces of metal were lost. He stood up and walked over to the wardrobe and opened it. Nothing. He did the same with the chest of drawers. Nothing. He shook in panic and looked around. He was having a panic attack. He couldn't think straight, everything was spinning around him. He sat down in the middle of the room picked up the book lying on the floor near him and threw it away. He put his hand in front of his mouth and sobbed. Suddenly the door opened. Alex shivered and jumped in surprise. He calmed down a little when he saw that it's just Jack, but he was still sobbing. Jack was a bit confused at first, but when he saw Alex burying his nails to the skin on his wrists, he instantly knew what was wrong. "Lex? Stop it." He said in calm, soft tone and kneeled down next to him. "What happened?" he asked quietly and shifted a little closer, but he didn't touch him at all. He was still certain that Alex needed space. The younger boy just shook his head, in one quick movement wrapped his arms around Jack's waist, and buried his head in his chest. The older boy was a bit surprised at first, but he gladly returned the embrace after a few seconds. "I can't find my blades! Jack, I need them!" the blonde boy cried and tightened his grip on Jack. The older boy just sighed and soothingly rubbed small circles on Alex's back. "It's alright, I threw them away. You don't need them anymore." He whispered, pulled the younger boy into his lap and swayed back and forth with him. He buried his face in his caramel and blonde hair, taking in his scent. He smelled like his strawberry shampoo and Jack felt like fainting. He missed the touch. "B-But I need them, Jacky." The younger boy sobbed, his tears staining Jack's shirt in the process. The black haired boy stayed quiet. He knew that Alex needed some time to calm down and to process all the things that were happening. So they stayed like that, in each other's arms, for another ten, maybe twenty minutes. Alex was slowly calming down. He pulled away and sniffed. He looked at Jack, his eyes full of guilt. He opened his mouth to apologize, but the older boy stopped him. "Shh, it's fine. It's okay to relapse. Just-the next time you feel low, come to my room and tell me. I don't care if it's two in the morning or something. I just want you to be okay." He said and gave him a little reassuring smile. His eyes were tired. The blonde boy just nodded, looked away and stood up. He walked over to the bed and lay down, sniffling a little. Jack stood up too, waved at the younger boy and made his way to the door. He was stopped by Alex's quiet voice. "Jack? Could-Could you please stay?" he asked and bit his lip in nerves. Jack just smiled and nodded. He walked over to the other side of the bed, turned off the lights and crawled under the blankets. He lay so he was facing Alex and closed his eyes. The younger boy hesitantly shifted closer and wrapped his arms around the older boy's waist once again. Jack smiled and gently pulled him closer. Alex felt safe again. They fell asleep in this position.