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Pen Your Pride

Chapter 38

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I wasn't jazzed up about the idea right away.

At first I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. It could be possible but I and pregnancy shouldn't be mix together, most especially now. Of all the time to be knocked up, it shouldn't be right now.

Dozens of questions started to cloud my head and none of them were good. There were just so many things going on in my life right now that I haven't figured out, what more for a baby? How am I supposed to figure out life for the baby if I haven't figured out mine in the first place? What about all those things that would be put on hold? Law School, Career, Family. 

Oh God My mom! I couldn't even imagine her face if she found about Maven, let alone a baby along the way.

In that moment I wanted to cry. The dreams I spent years concocting and executing, all evaporated right before my eyes. I could even see all of my plans and family drifting away from me, worse, shunting my existence. It was such a terrifying void I couldn't even begin where to start.

I honestly thought I might be in some twilight zone. I wanted to pinch my self or bang my head against the Great Wall of China or throw my self over the cliff. It messed with my sanity that this wasn't even on my 6-year plan. I knew that we missed the headlights and small precaution along the way. I knew that while we hadn't been too careful, no one is ever as careful as anyone would like to believe.

I felt the weigh of responsibility over my shoulder, it burdened by the choice that I had to make without knowing what that choice was. The time itself was wrong. We were just law students, trying to pave our path in the sad thing called life. 

The arrival of a little angel was supposed to bring joy but why do I dread about it instead?

The shock that a tiny human being was possibly growing inside me was too much. I felt my self clutching my still-flat stomach as I felt numb from panic attack. I felt like I stumbled backwards and that I had to swaddle myself in denial to absorb that kind of shock. 

Where do I even begin?

Maybe I wasn't ready for motherhood but I decided to be the bigger person, to stick to my guns, blew out the sides of my narrative and forced me to see a bigger picture.

With a grain of salt, I decided to face the music and grabbed a pregnancy test over the Pharmacy. There were so many options for pregnancy tests and I shit you not, most of them were too expensive for a stick that you'll only have to pee once or twice.

While Maven waited for me by the car park, I've been standing on the aisle of shelves of pregnancy sticks for too long, contemplating life and my decisions with so many what ifs. 

It was possible for pregnancy symptoms can be easily dismissed especially if in denial. I decided to pick, not one, but three pregnancy tests because I simply do not trust my self, more so settling for a single pregnancy test.

As I paid for them, I looked at the cashier lady and wondered if what she thought about me. Does she know I'm freaking out inside? Or how irresponsible I was?

"Heto pa Ma'am" She said as she smiled at me. I could only muster a tiny curve on my lips before I paid and left.

I found my self constantly looking out if someone had recognized me from a far. I was dress as casually as possible in a baggy shirt and worn-out shorts and a cap over my head. I didn't wear any makeup and had my hair back in a simple ponytail when I slipped back to Maven's Lexus.

The whole ride back to Serendra and to my pad was met with silence. I was always the receiving end of Maven's gazes when he thought I wasn't looking, as if he was testing the waters, threading to a dangerous weaved of strings. As for me, I don't think I have anything to say anyway.

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