Part 1 - Chapter 7

465 41 6
                                    

Jeff wanted to speak with me when he got home. It wasn't like before when wanting to speak with me was a code word for abusing me. It had been two months since the horrible night at the lake. Even though it was all in the past and the danger had receded, things hadn't really changed. I didn't know what to do because by then almost ten years with him had accumulated and I was versed and fluent in our dance together. It was natural. I feared his violence, then when he wanted me again I felt completely safe. The same, never ending loop. And I was in love with him.

Since the lake, the abuse was absent. I knew it was not gone; I always kept that part of me awake. The knowledge that he wasn't always capable of controlling his emotions and when the valve was opened it didn't close until he struck me. It hadn't been opened those last few months of our marriage because the outcomes during our last episode of violence had been so devastating. It caused he and I both to go so crazy that scared us. We did things neither of us thought we were capable of.

Another change was my new independence. We'd arranged our finances and lifestyle so that I was no longer restricted and imprisoned by him. I was the legal mother of my two step children, I had access to my own money with a large sum in trust, I started driving my own car. I also made the decision to end the servitude of the women who lived in our house, our nanny and housekeeper.

He didn't object to any of it, in fact he'd facilitated it. In the wake of all this freedom, I'd changed too. I didn't have marital expectations on him. That seemed to please him. I knew he was still sleeping with other women, but instead of anger it was how things were. A part of me knew that his controlling dominance still played itself out with the girls he slept with and then tossed away. I didn't care about that. We talked openly about our marriage having already ended; a separation was planned as soon as the children were old enough. We didn't know when that would be.

I couldn't say why we continued to have intimate relations. I didn't know why still made love to him so often. I certainly didn't have to. I had no marital obligations. Intimacy with Jeff was something I wanted. When Jeff and I were intimate it was the only time I felt his genuine love towards me, not the manipulations, casting me both as worthless or having incomprehensible value. I don't know why I continued to make love to him. And, he'd ask me every time. "Are you doing this because you love me?" All I could offer was silence. I didn't know if that was why.

He called me into the front parlor. There was something he wanted to tell me. We walked into the room, more companions or friends than anything else. Certainly whatever he had to tell me would be all right. I smiled at him and walked into the front room. Honestly,  I had a bit of anxiety. Walking into the room alone with him, the same room where so much fighting had taken place. The yellow lights of the table lamps cast a familiar hue. The sound of the scotch as he poured it into the glass reminded me of times I'd held my breath praying he wouldn't hurt me. He poured a drink for both of us and sat down next to me on the couch.

"Scotch has become a daily routine for both of us hasn't it?" I smiled at him. "Do you remember when you gave me scotch that first time back in Sellwood?"

"I do." He smiled at me, and nodded almost shaking his head. "You were so innocent back then."

I was about to object to his comment, say something to deny it, but it was the truth. "Do you miss that?"

He shook his head. "No. I've watched you change. It's been almost ten years. I like you." He looked away for a moment. "Eve. I don't know how you're going to take this." He looked worried. I could see the creases around his eyes. He frowned and let out a deep breath. He took a sip of scotch.

Marvelous Error (Book 3)Where stories live. Discover now