Chapter 26

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Trigger warning: suicide mentions, self harm mentions, mentions of abuse and homophobia

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Although basically everyone was allowed to attend if they desired to, I didn't go to the funeral. I couldn't bring myself to go. Part of me wanted to so that I could say a final goodbye, but the other part felt guilty. Yeah, that girl helped put me through hell, but I felt like it was my fault that she's gone. Camila went to the funeral. She stopped by shortly after, but I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to see anyone. My mom came up to my room with an envelope addressed to me. Apparently Camila had gotten it from Austin, and Austin said Adrienne had left it in her night stand with my name on it.

I put the envelope under my pillow. I didn't want to read it, at least not at that moment. My phone kept vibrating next to me on my night stand, but I didn't answer. I was by no means Adrienne's friend, but I felt horrible about the whole situation. I was no stranger to feeling like life wasn't for me anymore.

After a few hours, I lugged myself out of bed and went into the bathroom. I took out two towels, and decided I was going to get into the shower to clear my head. I stripped out of my clothes leaving them in a heap on the floor. I turned on the water, letting it get to the right temperature before stepped in. The warm water ran down my body, and I let out a soft sigh.

Once I finished washing my hair, I washed my body. I looked down at my wrists, looking at the scars on my skin. I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to take a razor and just rip my wrists apart. I would deserve it if I did. The other part of me told me not to. The whole point of coming into the shower in the first place was to clear my head.

I sat down and tucked my knees up to my chest. I let the water continue to wash over me. I rested my forehead on my knees, taking in slow breaths. I closed my eyes, and I stayed like that for several minutes, just listening to the sound of the water running and hitting the tub.

Eventually I forced myself up, and I turned the water off. I wrung out my hair, and grabbed my towels. I dried my hair with one, and wrapped the other around my body. I decided to blow dry my hair so it wouldn't drip at all, and once I did that I went back to my room. I tugged on a tank top and shorts, and sat down on my bed.

I decided I needed to read the letter. If I didn't I would make myself crazy. I opened it up, and licked my lips as I began reading the words on the page.

Lauren,

I'm sorry. It wasn't right that I kissed you. Not only because you have a girlfriend, but because it was just wrong. Truthfully, I started liking you back when we were both in Miami. However, I shouldn't have. Having feelings for you was bad. My parents told me every day that I was a disgrace. I was a disappointment to them because I admitted that I had feelings for a female. If they caught me giving lingering gazes towards women, once we were at home my dad would whip me with his belt or my mom would hit me.

I had to get rid of my feelings. They told me that I was going to rot in hell if I was involved with a girl. I am a bad person for ever thinking that being with another girl was okay. I felt absolutely disgusting. So I got rid of the feelings. They continued to hit me and whip me with that belt. I wasn't going to forget how wrong I was.

I hate you, Lauren. I hate you for making me feel something so wrong and unnatural. I wanted you gone. That's why I told people that you had attempted suicide.

I was tired of being hit. When the opportunity came up for me to move in with Austin, I took it. I knew that you were there at the school. He knew that you were bad, but he didn't know at the time that I used to like you. Which is why I told him to be hard on you. I knew that you had a breaking point. When I came to the school and saw that you had friends and whatnot, I was angry. I was jealous.

You dating Normani made me furious. I came clean to Austin about my feelings. Seeing you with her made me wish it was me. Every night I beat myself up for that. It was your fault that I was so angry with myself. I was going to hell because of you.

Kissing you was a mistake. From the moment I did it, I was filled with regret. I couldn't take that kiss back, despite how I wanted to. I hate you for making me kiss you. I heard so many things in my head. I couldn't come back from this. Every time I thought about it, I could feel the way my parents hurt me. I didn't deserve to keep living. I had acted on the worst feeling possible. If I hadn't kissed you, I would still be around. But I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had sinned like that.

I'm sorry that I'm gone. I'm sorry about your injuries from when we beat you outside that one day. I hoped that I could beat the gay out of you like my parents tried to do to me.

See you in hell one day, since I'm obviously not going to heaven and neither are you.

-Adrienne

I was a little confused by the whole thing, so I read over it multiple times. Her parents were basically abusive, and she felt like she was some terrible person for liking a girl? She didn't deserve that. I knew that it was hard to fight with yourself. And having people hurting you physically sucks. Maybe she just didn't want to believe that her parents were wrong. Maybe she didn't want to believe that it was okay to be interested in girls. It's not like I could ask her.

I already had the blame on myself, but for some reason reading her blame me too made me feel better. Hearing everything in the letter made me think that maybe it wasn't really my fault, despite what she was saying.

I folded the piece of paper up and put it into a drawer in my night stand. I took my phone and decided to call Normani. I wanted to hear her voice. I dialed her number, and waited for her to answer.

"Hey babe.. Are you okay?" she asked.

"I guess so.. I just wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Just.. anything," I told her. "Tell me something."

"Something like what?"

"Anything."

"You're beautiful," she told me.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "That's not what I was expecting, but thanks."

"I know you're sad, Lauren. I can hear it in your voice. You might think that I won't notice, but I do," she stated.

"I read a letter that Adrienne wrote to me."

"What did it say?"

"A lot of things.. She blamed me.. She had homophobic parents, they weren't good to her.. There was a lot, and things make more sense I guess, but I'm just.. I don't know. I think I need to let what I read sink in."

"Be safe, okay? Please..?" She sighed. "I know how you get and I don't want you to hurt yourself over this."

"I won't," I told her. "Promise."

Normani and I talked for a few more minutes before she had to go. I sighed, and hung up before sliding back into my bed under the covers. Things were going to be so different. Maybe it was going to be good, maybe not. I really didn't know what to expect anymore. 

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a/n: I don't know how I really feel about this part, but here it is. I'm sorry it took so long, and I'm sorry if it didn't live up to your expectations.. I tried. But uh.. yeah. I hope you didn't hate this part and enjoyed.


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