If He Ever Cries (manxman / boyxboy)

Chapter 1

-Chapter 1-

Dear Agony

Just let go of me

Suffer slowly

Is this the way it's gotta be?

Don't bury me

Faceless enemy

I'm so sorry

-Dear Agony, Breaking Benjamin

Tears stung behind his eyes as he leaned over the sink. His hands gripped the counter in desperation-as if that grip held the remains of his sanity. Blood rushed through his veins in a mixture of anger and hurt. He looked at himself in the mirror and the eyes of accusation seared more pain in his crumbling heart.

His hand trembled as it reached to open the faucet. Residues of vomit flushed from his mouth. He splashed water on his face, but failed to wake up from the nightmare that awaited outside.

All he wanted was to scream-scream until his throat hurt-break something, punch someone, die. A sob caught in his throat and he silenced it the best he could-he must not let them hear. He rubbed a towel on his face with hands that still trembled. Then threw it on the floor with the force he couldn't use to punch the face of the person who was causing him this pain.

You knew there was nothing in this for you. You knew it and you didn't end it. Don't act like the victim now. But no matter what truths he said to himself, the news still tortured his insides. His hands caught his head. Against all his efforts, his legs failed him and he stepped backward until his back thumped the wall-and he plummeted.

Defeated on the floor, his eyes found the ceiling and tears of agony spilled down his temples, wetting his ears. You have no right to feel betrayed. No right. He swallowed thickly and opened his mouth, releasing all the air he was holding in. He braced himself when another sob choked him. I know, but it hurts so much. His eyes scrunched and more tears fell-and he let himself cry in silence.

He lost track of the time he spent trapped in that hell as he ran out of tears to shed. What now? Do I embrace my new role with a smile on my face? He shut his eyes tight and shook his head. Don't delude yourself. Your role has always been the same. You are not losing anything you didn't have to begin with. Yet, knowing that didn't stop the pain-a pain he would have to carry forever.

Or not.

He reached inside his pocket. The little packet meant for fun weighed with fulminating force in his hand. He turned it over and over between his fingers. Five. More than enough magic to make him disappear. It jittered in his fist. His head banged the wall, eyes squeezed shut. He could do it this time. This time he couldn't back out, he would follow through.

But not right now.

He slipped his hand out of the pocket, leaving the magic inside for later, because time didn't stop while he was in there, and people were waiting for him outside the bathroom. It wouldn't be long before one of them knocked on the door to ask if there was anything wrong-if he did it now, he would not be able to respond-and they would save him, because they loved him.

At least most of them did.

* * *

Kaiden took his place in the living room, next to his parents. All his energy was directed to making it through this gathering without falling apart. Happy birthday wasn't happy anymore, but he wouldn't show anyone the uproar from within. Not after he convinced them that he looked like shit because the cake didn't sit well in his stomach.

He didn't notice he was tapping his glass on the arm rest until he heard his sister speak again. "So, what do you say?" Kristina eyed her fiancee as her hand squeezed his. Then she turned to her parents and brother-wide smile and all-beaming in happiness. "Do we have your blessing?"