Save Me

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                I didn’t stay. We packed everything up and went home; I dropped her off without saying anything. She didn’t either, so I we just parted ways in silence.

                I sat on my bed for a long time before I called Erica.

                “Ash?” She sounded tired. I probably woke her up just to tell her how horrible a person I am.

                “Hey…can you come over? I didn’t feel like camping out…I want to talk to you.” I needed to talk to her. I couldn’t sleep knowing that she didn’t know, I didn’t think I would ever be able to sleep again anyways.

                “Sure, I’ll be there in a few minutes.” She yawned and said, “I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

                “I love you too.” I whispered quietly before ending the call.

                She opened the door and I walked into the living room to meet her. I couldn’t meet her eyes. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t do anything.

                “You okay?” She took a step closer to me and I felt my heart grow cold. I felt like I was going to throw up right there.

                “I need to talk to you. You should probably sit down.” She looked so worried. I was scaring her. I wondered what she thought I would say, probably not what I was going to say.

                She sat on the couch, leaving space for me, but I just slid down the wall in front of the couch so I could look at her but not touch her. I pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them. “Erica…”

                “What’s wrong Ash, you’re acting so weird.” I could hear the panic in her voice and I felt so horrible. I was a disgusting person. I hurt her. I was hurting her and she didn’t even know why yet.

                “I didn’t go stargazing alone. This girl named Riley that I met at work came.”

                I could tell she knew where I was going. “What happened Ash, why did you come back tonight? Why are you telling me this?”

                “She kissed me, and I…I kissed her back.” I couldn’t find any way to explain this to her right. “We…we almost—”

                She stood up and cut me off, “I don’t want to hear this.” Tears were welling up in her eyes and I just pressed my forehead against my knees so I wouldn’t have to see how I hurt her. I hated myself.

                “I’m so sorry Erica…I’m so sorry…”

                “Stop talking. Don’t say another goddamned thing.”

                “I didn’t mean to…”

                “I said stop.”

                “She never meant anything.” I whispered.

                “So you were just going to fuck someone who meant nothing to you?!” She shouted.

                “I fucked up, I know.”I was still whispering. She hated me, but not as much as I hated myself.

                “Yeah, you fucked up. I can’t believe you. I trusted you. I loved you. I thought you loved me too.” She said bitterly.

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