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A soft knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts of telling Raven about my day with Bellamy. She was surprisingly quiet throughout my recount of events which is what I had been pondering before the knock came. I let out a groggy "come in." The door opens and Ravens head pops around it.
"There's someone here to see you." She says and I can tell by the look on her face that it's Bellamy. I can't help the sudden rush of adrenaline I feel at the thought of him standing just twenty feet away and it scares me. "Do you want to see them now? Or should I make them come back later?" She asks, emphasis on the 'come back later' part. She obviously doesn't want me to see him yet but I know there is no way I could not see him now that he'd come all this way. I groan and roll over, pushing my face into the pillow. Raven takes that as a invitation inside and I hear the door creak as it widens. "Did he at least bring my mortified soul a cup of tea?" I inquire through the pillow.
"You honestly don't think I'm that stupid do you?" He says quietly, "And there is no reason to be mortified." I roll back onto my back and sit up, looking for the mug full of tea. I take a long sip before looking at Bellamy. I can feel the tension and anxiety radiating off him in waves. I sigh deeply before I start speaking."You didn't have to come all this way, I understand exactly where you stand on this issue from our discussion yesterday."
"You're wrong. You don't know anything." On an ordinary day his words would cause an argument but he says them today with no sarcasm or maliciousness that I know he means them in a literal sense.
"Then explain, please, because when someone tells you they love you and have done for nearly a decade they don't want to be met with silence and blank stares." He looks at me with a torn expression on his face and I already don't want to know what he has to say.
"I was suprised," he explains quietly. "You don't understand, I loved you too. Back then anyways and maybe I always will, to a degree, but then you went away and I understand now that it wasn't your fault, but it still happened and my feelings for you went away with time." I can feel my heart shattering into tiny little 'B' shaped pieces and the tears start to fall on their own accord. He won't look me in the eye and I know that's because he can't stand to see me cry. At least some things between us haven't changed.
"Obviously you didn't love me like I loved you, love you, then." I say and he looks at me with pain.
"Clarke, I'm sorry..."
"Did you find someone else?"
"Don't do that to yourself." He pleads.
"I'll take that as a yes. Is she prettier then me?" He sighs hard.
"There's no one else Clarke and you know you're the most beautiful person I know."
"But what about your tattoo, I thought..." I trail off, not wanting to hear the spiel about being his best friend.
"It helped me get over what you baby to me."
"Meant. Past tense."
"Princess please," A sob releases itself from my chest hearing him call me my once adored nickname. He tries to pull me into a hug but I shrug him off.
"I waited six years for you, never allowing myself to truly be free, and now you're telling me I'm too late?"
"I waited for you too you know."
"Not long enough obviously." He looks at me with pain again and its all I can take. "I think you should leave."
"What? No! I still want to be a part of your life, even if we can't be together like that right now."
"You can't say things like 'right now' Bellamy! It's not fair to me when you've just told me you don't love me."
"I'm sorry, it just comes out when I'm around you! I don't know how I'll feel in the future all I know is right now I don't want to lose you." My heart shatters even more than I thought possible.
"I'm yours Bellamy. I probably will always be, but it is painstakingly obvious that you are not mine and I don't know how I could ever be around you knowing you're not mine. It's too hard. So I'll ask you again nicely, please leave. You've done enough damage to my heart to last me a lifetime."
"Clarke, please! Just give me some time to sort my head out before you cut me off again."
"Again? Again?" My voice rises an octave with anger. "Do you not listen? It was your fault! You left me and I've been trying to hold myself together for years, pretty poorly I might add, only to be told once you come storming back into my life that you don't care about me the same way. Why didn't you just leave me alone? You knew the moment you saw me that things couldn't go back. So why chase me? Why ruin me again?" Having heard my shouting Raven opens the door to my room glaring at Bellamy.
"I think it's time for you to leave Blake."
"Stay out of this Reyes!" He snaps at her before turning back to face me. "Just give me some time?" He pleads.
"I don't think I have any left." I say somberly and his face falls.
"I will fix this!" He says adamantly. He leans in and kisses me on the forehead. Staying there for a long moment before releasing me and heading towards the door. He stops just as Raven moves out the way to let him past. "I swear I'll fix this Clarke, we'll get past this. You're my Princess and nothing can keep me from being a part of your life again." He says sincerely, his eyes boring into mine.
"Just leave Bellamy." Raven sighs. I curl up into the fetal position and let the despair have me. Large sobs rack my body as an empty feeling makes its way through my limbs. I don't know what scares me more, seeing him again or never seeing him again.

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