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Dear Love; Sincerely Me.

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Dear Love,

           Hey, how are you?  I've been thinking an awful lot lately; mostly about you. Me. Us. I haven't been thinking about the ending or the beginning. I've been thinking about everything in between: the good times and the bad times; mostly  the good times, though. 

          Do you remember when we stayed up all night? We laid in the back of your ratty, old pick-up  truck and just talked. We talked about everything from our favourite colours to our future together. I got into so much trouble for staying out all night. My parents grounded me for two months, remember that? Though, the grounding didn't stop us from being together. I snuck out in the middle of the night and walked to your truck which was parked around the block.; it was such an adrenaline rush.

                  We were so in love. We had our whole life planned out; we would finish high school and then go to the same university. We would wait to get married until we were both finished our schooling; we would get married in the autumn outside at night by candlight and the moon. We would only invite family and close friends. You wouldn't tell me where our honeymoon would be- you kept it a surprise, but you knew where we would go. We would have two children; a girl and a boy. We would have the boy first, so that he could protect our baby girl. We would live in a house by the beach with a white picket fence. I remember the expression on your face when you talked about our life together: pure bliss. Your emerald green eyes were shining so bright and your perfect light red lips were curved up into a perfectly-crooked half-smile; your black hair fell down in front of your eyes. You said that you liked it that way; I always told you that I hated it and to get it cut, but secretly, I loved it, and I probably would have cried if you ever cut it.

                      Things changed and our plans didn't work out, though; we were so close. It was our last year in university. I was majoring in English, and you in History.  It was a cold winters' day and it was storming outside; the thunder was deafening and the lightning was blinding. The freezing rain and hail fell down in heavy, relentless sheets. You said that you wanted to change the plans: you wanted us to get married now. No waiting, no perfect fall wedding. I got pretty angry, and I asked you to leave. You came in for a kiss, but I turned away and denied your flawless lips. The look on your face was heartbreaking; mind-blowing. I ignored the feeling and walked away; I didn't even say "Goodbye".

               You were driving home in the storm, angry at yourself for trying to change our plans; you were blaming yourself when it was my fault... You weren't paying attention to the speed limit or how fast you were going and you.. you crashed. The car slid on black ice, and you went spinning into the ditch, hitting a tree and damaging your car in the process. I received a phone call a few hours later, I heard your ringtone, and I saw your number flashing on the screen. I picked up, wanting to apologize, but it wasn't you- it was a paramedic, calling me from your cell phone. He said that he found my number listed in your phone as "My Future Wife". My eyes were watering as I asked what had happened. He said that you were in an accident... I hung up then and drove until I saw the flashing lights and your familiar pick-up truck attached to a tree. I ran towards the truck and you, but the paramedics and police officers held me back. I was screaming; I wanted to see you, I needed to hold you. I broke free of their grips and ran across the icy tarmac towards your hideous truck that I had grown to love. I looked in the driver's window, but you weren't there. I looked over at the ambulance and saw a gurney with someone on it; as I got closer, I saw your familiar black hair that I had always longed to run my fingers through. As I reached the gurney, I noticed something: you weren't smiling. You were always smiling, no matter what. There was blood everywhere.. I couldn't stand seeing you like that, so I turned away. I asked the nearby paramedic if you were going to be okay; I think that I knew deep down that you were dead, but I couldn't say it because that makes it official. I thought that if I ignored it, you would be alive and we could go back to living our lives. It wasn't like that though; you died in the accident and I never said goodbye.I never gave you that final kiss; that final touch; that final smile.

                          I went back to your truck and looked inside, I knew that this was a reckless thing to do, but I had to do it. I noticed something underneath the gas pedal; I opened the door to get it. I heard the police officers and paramedics yelling at me, but I didn't care. I grabbed the item and noticed that it was a small box wrapped in red Christmas wrapping paper. I slowly pulled the paper apart, being careful not to rip it more than necessary, and found a small, black velvet box inside. I gasped and let a horrified scream escape my lips. I sunk to my knees and started bawling. Inside of the box was a ring; an engagement ring. It was white gold with a diamond in the middle; it had two amethysts on either side of the diamond. I didn't say anything, I just sat there in there and cried, as I realized that the love of my life had died. Ignoring the screams of the people around me, I fell asleep on the side of the road in the midst of the ice and hail, leaning against your truck

                         I stayed like that until the paramedics woke me up. They drove me home. I sat there stone-cold and my face emotionless. I had nothing to say, nothing to do.  I didn't know what to expect when you left, but I sure didn't expect to never see you again. I had thought that we would go back to being happy... I had never expected this. I was prepared for forever with you. I hadn't readied myself for this because it wasn't in the plan. Damn those stupid plans. All they do is ruin everything.

                   All of this may be a bit weird for a letter, but I needed to get my thoughts out. I needed to tell someone, but you have been and always will be the only person whom I trust with all of my heart. There are so many words that need to be said; so many unshed tears. I love you and I miss you. I cannot even begin to tell you how much you meant and still do mean to me. It was my fault. If I had accepted that kiss and said goodbye properly, then we would still be together. That happened over three years ago, and I still blame myself for it. I will never forget you, and I will always love you. You were my first love, and that will never change, but it's time for me to move on now. I love you so much, baby. I will see you in Heaven. Goodbye. I will love you forever.



PS. I'm sorry.                                                                                                            

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