Swinging back and forth on the bright green swing, with unscarred hands choking cold thick chains, I have no worries or memories of troubled thoughts. As momentum becomes my new toy, I quickly form to plank my weight into every swing. The rocking speed begins to increase. My sweaty grip gets tighter and the dreadful pause at the top of every swing gets higher. The closer the clouds welcome me, the stronger gravity clinches me and tugs me back down. It teases me. I go from slowly falling into a purple streaked sky tattooed with a quarter moon, to being jolted to a tinted artificial scene of flat dirt and fake rocks. The drastic pattern puzzles me with a missing piece.
When my pendulum movement yields to a calming stop, my rapid heart beat sends me to a calmer state. I focus along the never ending grass where my eyes fix themselves on a teenage boy happily walking with his girlfriend. Due to the sun settling into the castles of mountains, boldly dark and defined silhouttes are all i can make clear. He opens the car door for her and my newest super hero drives away. I'm left with the sound of only my thoughts and become consumed by the freedom and velocity of being a teenager. The idea tortures me, as I'm just a boy with no spicy hot girlfriend or super charged car. I dream of the day my feet meet the shoe's of Shadowman.
As a child, we seem to be ungrateful of our freedom and open-minded innocence. Our imaginations are so unpredictable that anything seems possible. The absence of high intellect is a dangerous gift as it lets us be naive and fearless. The thought of pain, depression, or heartache seem to exist solely in the media world. While our blooming state expands, we only truly care about the present. Emotional pains die as quickly as they are commenced. The only future events we are concerned about are holidays and time with friends and family.
Yet, the more time that passes, the more judgmental we become about life. Playgrounds become pointless and our friends are narrowed down to people that only qualify in our eyes. We create enemies, as forgiveness is an act that most don't know how to use. We repeatedly compare ourselves to others and media, letting their actions contribute to our choices. Being 'equal' with our peers is no longer possible. Cliques are formed and we disperse from a single ray of light too hundreds of stars within a sheet of darkness. Some land in stronger groups, some in smarter groups. Many of us are in between groups while some become a group of their own. We let these groups define us and rank us amongst the others.
Within these breakdowns, the most resistant and rebellious seem to shine brighter as they gain more attention. While those that do everything they are told and usually don't question authority are known as dull and looked down upon. These 'non-rebellions' are considered to be geeks or nerds.
As cliques begin to form, we are introduced to the idea of drama. We start to have two completely different definitions of the word pain. We feel imprisoned in our school work and start to experience stress. But meeting societies expectations is essential..
The thing that hits us the hardest is our concept and reality of love. We find someone that we connect with and slowly let our guard down. Things can initially seem wonderful and new. You start to become obsessed with the feeling you get with this person. Yet, more often than less, it doesn't last. The reasons for the departure can be endless. Cheating, lying, boredom or just the lack of chemistry are common reasons.
I recently find myself in this scenario. I have a girlfriend that isn't right for me. I feel like our chemistry and strong connection are slowly degrading. My butterflies have vacated and the thrill of wonder flatlined. I have nothing against her for she has wronged me in no way. But now, I am faced with the fear of hurting her. She believes what we possess is invincible. I feel as if I'm going to crush her and with no mercy pull every tear I can from her eyes. But, it's something I must do.
I decide that a last walk in the park would ease my 'troubled thoughts.' The heavy weight of guilt drags my body along her side as our fingers interlock. Her hands are frigid and wrapped tightly around mine as our arms sway back and forth. I glance over to her wavy blue eyes and she smiles and I know she's happy. Part of me wishes the feeling was mutual. Maybe I should have never approached her? She doesn't deserve to get hurt for letting me in. I knocked on her door.
I keep my head low, as I can no longer stand her happy face. She knows that something's wrong, and she knows that I know she knows. I fantasize of being anywhere else as my eyes soak heavier and harder to contain. As our syncing footsteps get slower, an irritating squeak gets louder until it's all I can hear. Not wanting to expose my pain through tears, I unnoticeably turn my head and glance towards the echoing squeak.
What I witness annoys me to a certain extent. It is just a boy with a red hat, and stick of ice cream on a swing. He maintains a grin while rocking himself back and forth on the stupid swing. Nothing can disturb him from that time and place. He hasn't a worry in the world, for he is in his own. The only thought that comes to me is short and simple. "God, I wish I was him."
