Copyright © 2011 Kirsty Moseley
****Banner made by Maria Anier – thanks honey! <3 ****
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and considered calling Ellie, I just really needed to speak to her right now, just hear her voice for a second to pull me out of the slump I was falling into. I could feel the depression pulling at the edges of my system and I really wanted to see Ellie so I could think about something else.
It scared me how much I needed her, I had never needed anyone in my life, I made sure I could take care of myself, I worked hard so that I never had to rely on anyone then I would never get let down. If I didn’t depend on anyone then I wouldn’t have to feel the rejection and disappointment when they screwed up or gave up on me. I had learnt at an early age that the only one I could depend on was myself.
In a way I wished I had never met Ellie, that I had just pushed through my life without ever feeling like this, then I would have no one that could hurt me, I wouldn’t have to worry about losing her. But another part of me knew that what I had before Ellie wasn’t a life, it was just an existence where I just cruised through life on a knife edge. One side of the knife was depression and sadness, the other side of the knife was the crime that I used to think was normal.
I pulled her number up on my screen, just looking at it. I could just start the car again and drive back to her side, we could go see the movie and I could pretend that my mother died when Sophie did. I could go to Ellie and turn my back on the only family I had left and let her deal with her problems herself, she didn’t deserve my help anyway.
But that wasn’t me. I would never walk away from her like that, I guess that was part of a flaw in my character, that I cared about other people, some people would see that as a flaw I guess, I knew Ellie wouldn’t see it as that though.
I couldn’t call her, I needed to just get this done. I pushed my phone back into my pocket and gulped as I looked back to the house. Maybe she wasn’t even here and I wouldn’t have to go inside, maybe I should try the local bars first in the hope that I would see her there instead. I mentally shook myself and knew I needed to just get over this and do it, I needed to face my demons instead of pretending that all that bad stuff didn’t happen.
I clenched my jaw and pushed the car door open, stepping out quickly, slamming it shut before I jumped back in and drove away as fast as I could, never to look upon this place again. I put one hand on the top of the car to steady my body, and took a couple of deep breaths. Come on Jamie, you can do it, turn around and walk to the door and knock.
I slammed my hands down on the roof of my car and after calling myself a pussy a couple of times in my head, I turned and stalked to the door, a fierce determination settling over me. I’d get this done, sort her out and then leave and that would be it.
I knocked while I still had the nerve and stood there waiting for her to come to the door. I couldn’t help but wonder what her reaction to me would be, hell, maybe she wouldn’t even recognise me after all this time. She hadn’t seen me since I got sent down, she didn’t once visit me in juvie. The last time I saw her I was in court where I pleaded guilty for murder and was led off in a pair of handcuffs while she watched from the stand, not even crying for me.