Life After Mockingjay

Chapter Twenty One; Nightmares

"Run Prim!" I scream at the top of my lungs as I keel over. I scrunch my eyes shut and put my hands over my ears in hope to stop the terrifying thoughts from going through my head. The images of Prim's lifeless body and the sounds of her screaming for me play over and over in my mind. I can't seem to shake it.

I slightly calm down when I feel Peeta's strong arms around my quivering, hysterical body.

"It's not real, Katniss." He keeps saying over and over again. "You're safe. You're safe. I'm here."

I uncover my ears and I slowly come back into reality; no longer screaming but not seeming to be able to stop sobbing. I lean into Peeta and let my tears soak through his shirt. I feel a few of his own trickle onto the top of my head as he strokes my tangled hair.

My sobs slowly turn into small hiccups, and I look up at Peeta.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He whispers to me as he runs his hand down my face and kisses me softly.

I shake my head. "Thank you." I whisper. "I just don't want to relive it again." I say as I sink farther into his embrace.

"I'm always here." He whispers. "That's what you and I do.. Protect each other."

"Oh Peeta." I whimper as I hug him tightly.

About a minute later, I hear Willow crying from her bedroom. I feel awful.
My nightmares are already scaring my daughter, who is just over a year old. She doesn't understand, and all I'm doing is scaring her.

Hearing Willow upset makes me worse, and I bury my head into my knees, wishing I could fade away into nothing.

"I'll go get her." Peeta says as he pats my back. "Try to get some rest. I'll be back in a few minutes." He kisses my head, before tending to Willow.

"Peeta, wait." I say over to him. "Can you please bring her to me?"

Peeta nods, and brings Willow over to where I'm sitting and places her in my arms.

She looks up at me with her big, blue, tear filled eyes. She begins to play with my hair; something she has always done to calm herself, and leans onto me, letting out a short sob here and there.

"It's okay, sweetie." I whisper as I brush the hair out of her face and kiss her on the head. "Did I scare you?"

She nods. It breaks my heart seeing my child upset, especially when it is because of something I have done.

"I just had a very bad dream." I whisper to her. "Someday, I'll tell you why they come, and why they won't ever really go away." She looks up at me again when one of my tears fall onto her head. "I'm sorry, Willow." I whisper.

She lays her head back down on my chest. Peeta stares at Willow and I with a smile. "She's asleep." He mouths to me.

I stand up, Willow in my arms, and take her to her bedroom. I place her into her crib and fix my eyes on her.

"She'll be okay, Katniss." Peeta says from behind me.

"What if she's not, Peeta?" I turn around and wrap my arms around him. "What if something happens and we can't protect her? I can't lose her."

"Katniss.." Peeta whispers with a shaken voice. "We won't lose her."

I lift my head from Peeta's chest and look down at my daughter, who has no care in the world. She is safe, and we are safe. I need to find a way to understand it.

"There is so much good in the world.." I start. "And it was worth fighting for.. I-I just wish Prim were here. And Cinna. Finnick. Boggs.. They all died because of me. I took their lives away with my arrow. My nightmares-they come because there is endless guilt and terror inside of me that will never go away. I constantly see their faces everywhere I go. They haunt me. They're in my nightmares, telling me that I am the one that took their lives away."

"Katniss.." Peeta whispers. "They died for our freedom. We wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you. You are the reason there is good in the world."

"How do I protect my daughter when I couldn't even protect my little sister? Prim could have had an amazing life. She was training to be a doctor and-and she could've had a family. She will never truly get to experience life. If there is good in the world, how do I find it for myself? How to I find good in anyone but you, when I am constantly feeling terrible for my actions? How do I find good in the world when I killed my little sister..?"

"Come here." Peeta whispers as he grabs my hand. I follow him back into our bedroom, and he sets me on the bed. He takes my hands into his strong, loving ones. "You make a list in your head.." He starts. "You make a list in your head of every act of kindness you've seen someone do. You carry those thoughts with you, and you find the good in every person you meet. You realize that you are the reason that we are free, and you are the reason that the good in the world is finally visible. Prim, Cinna, Boggs, Finnick, Mags, Wiress, Rue, all of those deaths. Because of you, They mean something."

"I love you, Peeta." I say as I embrace him, never wanting to let go. "I love you and Willow so much and I am so terrified of losing the both of you."

"You will never, ever, lose either of us. I will always be here to fight off the nightmares with you and keep you safe. I love you, Katniss Mellark."

"Always." I whisper to Peeta as I slowly drift off into a peaceful sleep.

"Always.."