Chapter 5: Not finding Nemo

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I guess I was knocked unconscious by the water, because when I opened my eyes, all I could see was white. Not like a white room, everything, including the air, was white. I did not understand what was going on. Was this heaven? If it was, I think I would have preferred hell.

Out of the white, a black dot appeared. It grew larger, eventually evolving into a well-known book. The leather cover was starting to fall apart after many years use. Hesitantly, I opened the book.

Dear diary, I can't take this anymore.

Dear diary, today was fantastic!

Dear diary, I feel like the luckiest person in the world!

Dear diary, I'm sad.

Dear diary

Dear diary

Dear diary

Pages ripped themselves out of the book. I tried to catch them, but they were always barely out of reach. Eventually, I gave up. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath.

"It's going to be fine. It's just a weird dream, nothing to worry about. I'm going to open my eyes now, and wake up in my bed", I whispered to myself. I slowly opened my eyes, but neither my bed nor my room was anywhere to be seen.

Surprisingly, I found myself back at the meadow where the picnic had earlier taken place. The carpet was there, and the basket was still overflowing with food. I thought I was alone, until I noticed a faint, transparent hand passing through my foot to take a sandwitch.

This time I examined my surroundings more carefully. I furrowed my eyebrows as I realized that Sarah was placed in the exact same spot she was two hours ago. The same arm were snakes around her waist, with the owner's mouth moving, forming words I could not hear. It turned out that I was standing in a piece of cake, but as I moved with a squeal, Louis, Niall and Liam did not seem to notice. Zayn was nowhere to be seen, and I therefore concluded that this had to be when he went back to the car to get the frisbee.

To say I was confused, would be an understatement. All the trees and flowers, the carpet, the food; the items, were still exactly like two hours ago. Why had the people lost all their colours? I walked away from the carpet, heading for the cliff, but quickly stopped. My foot didn't seem to want to move another inch. Turning my head back, I realized my friends were nearly out of view.

Maybe that was the reason I could not move further; I had not existed there at that point of time. I could not know whar had happened there, I had no influence there, and therefore I could not try to interfere.

Lost in my thoughts, I did not at first notice someone making their way up to me. It was not until I felt a hand touch my shoulder I moved. A small scream escaped my lips, and in no time I was facing the person. Immediately it was clear to me that it was a woman. She was tall, with blonde hair, and her whole body radiated control and calmness. Her lips formed a smile.

"Alexandra. It has been a while. Look at you, you're almost grown up, and so pretty!"

Her lips formed the words, and I could definiately hear them, yet I couldn't say that she spoke. The words... existed. It was like they were the obvious truth, that they had always been there, just out of reach, but now my ears could finally hear them. It was just as I was about to speak I realized what I had been oblivious to; my mom was dead. And I was currently talking to her.

As I tried to process this, I couldn't help but notice that, unlike my picnicing friends, the woman in front of me was neither transparent nor faint; in fact, it seemed like she was realer than me. In her presence, it felt like I was see-through and unimportant. Needless to say, I was confused.

"I sense that you are confused, darling. I truly am sorry, but I cannot help you comprehend what I do not understand myself. However, I can somewhat lessen your confusion, at least I think I can.

First of all, as you may have noticed, you are not able to speak." I opened my mouth, trying to make a sound, only to realize that she was right.

"This", she continued, "is because we are both your thoughts. You cannot speak, as that would requiere moving your real mouth, wich does not have a place in this world. But do not worry, I am able to understand you just perfectly, because, as said, this is your thoughts. Everything you feel, think, or sense, will be clear to me to.

But I am not here simply to tell you this. I am here to inform you that you are now neither dead, nor alive. Therefore, you are trapped inside your own mind. You will have to choose if you want to keep living, or to embrace death.

I know it is natural to immidiately choose life, but please, darling, consider carefully; no one knows exactly what will await you when you die, not even I can make you understand it. But you can know for a fact, that even though it may not be fun, you will not be hurt in any way ever again.

If you actually continue your life, you will get hurt, and in the end, you will die anyways. By choosing life now, you are not preventing death."

I did see her point. Death was, unbelievably, the safest alternative As I was trying to make my descision, I was, once again, struck with a realization. If this was all my thoughts, how could it make any difference? If my mother was just a creation of my imagination, how could the information she gave be right? This was all taking place in my mind, it could not have any effect on the real world.

My mother must have sensed my confusion, for she looked down at me, and, before vanishing into air, said:
"Of course it is all happening inside of your head. But why on Earth should that mean it is not real?"

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