Chapter 30: Coming to a Conclusion

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October 10th 2015


I forged a barrier, a fence

that stood tall, resembling the Great Wall of China in galore.

In the dead of the night

he came, he brought it down.

I never saw it coming, he struck the match, he blew it all

apart with a single stick of dynamite.

I pray that this time when I rebuild, the Lord will keep it standing tall.

I can't let him destroy it again-

he'll destroy me once and for all.

I haven't been able to sleep. So this night I went where inspiration took me. I have not needed to write in weeks. To most my love for poetry was just a hobby, a creative form I was seemingly exceptional at. What most don't realise, to me it was an escape. I could say the words I never had the courage to say before , the feelings I didn't know how to express, it could all flow out. Words that spiralled in beauty across the page, were the emotions I kept locked up. Damian. Kate, the people in this town, made me feel like I didn't need to keep myself locked up. I was wrong.

I've decided I'm going to move back in with my dad now. He may be mad that I ran off, he'll make me pay for it- I'm sure. But he's the only person I know who will never leave me. It will be me leaving him next fall. That will be the day, where I get to grab a hold of my future and start again. No high school drama, no dumb emotions. People will finally be real and I will be real alongside them.

I arrange my bags, I've packed. I know if Kate knew, what I was about to do, she would prevent me, she's been too careful around me. As if she anticipates that I'll make a decision like this, rash and in the moment. But what she doesn't realise, this was always coming, it was inevitable. I couldn't stay with her forever, and I couldn't pretend that my life miraculously fixed itself in this new town. I had to wake up and smell the roses or whatever crap that saying was. I need to grow up and face it.

I spent the last few days, walking around school like a zombie. People commenting on the latest rumours as to my situation with Damian Silva. Damian, himself, tried to approach me the first day back, trying to apologise, but he just spouted the same old garbage that he didn't mean it or whatnot. I wasn't sure what I wanted him to say but it definitely wasn't what he was saying. he just let excuse after excuse roll off his tongue- each with less meaning and honesty than the last. So, I gave up hoping, and he gave up trying. there was no longer a Damian Silva and I situation- there is a Damian Silva and there is I- but we aren't in any situation together. I had finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and came to accept that for people like me there aren't happy endings.

That was what Ash had been trying to tell me from the start. That I shouldn't wallow in self pity, I should accept what my life is and make the best out of a bad situation. I mean, look at him, providing for both of his siblings. Putting them first and sacrificing everything else after. He is taking his crappy world by stride, and yes, he may do some illegal things, but he does it all with a good heart. Trying to turn his and his family lives around, the best he can.

It took a while for Ash to agree, but now he has consented with my plan. I don't want to spend my afternoons at home, so after track practise I'll babysit his siblings Tuesdays and Thursdays and over the weekends. This is when Ash is off working one of his several jobs to provide for them. I plan on tutoring Damian Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I'll get him up to shape as fast as possible so I can let him go from my life once and for all. He'll be the jock, Captain of the basketball team everyone looks up to, and I'll be the invisible nerd no one looks twice at. It will all go back to plan, how it was always meant to be.

I've concluded, I've let myself get side-tracked for too long. Getting my hopes up for things I knew were impossible, which isn't like me. I've always been practical minded, my mother was the dreamer. Not me. I tried it her way, it didn't work out. So, I'm going back to my original philosophy, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get out of here. Get to College with a scholarship, is my only way out of this hell hole I call life. That is my only priority now.

I brace the bags with my belongings, on my back and arms. There isn't much, so although it's heavy, I'll be able to manage. I'll walk the way home, and from then on, go as if the last couple of weeks never happened. It will be normal once more.

I begin the first step of my treacherous pursuit.

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