Really?!

Chapter Four

'I can do this. You can do this. Nothing will go wrong. If need be you can edit the bad stuff out. It's only going to be seen by Dana. It will be fine'. This is what I had to tell myself before I could hit the record button. Cassidy had called me last night after I finished talking to my dad, letting me know that she was staying over at Dylan's place, so I had the place to myself again today. I took this opportunity to film a video for Dana. But by god I was nervous. I was like pooing my pants. But I had promised her and I really shouldn't back out of a promise. I knew what it was like to have promises broken. And it sucks. And it hurts, sometimes more than I should have let it.

I hit the play button on my phone, just to listen to the song to try and calm myself, and to double check that I did know all the words. The song I was going to sing was Photograph by Nickelback. It's not a hugely popular song these days, but I grew up listening to Nickelback and this song in particular reminds me of my childhood. As I began to sing, as cheesy or cliché or stupid as it sounds, I lost myself in the memories I associate with the song. Before I knew it the song was over and I could turn off the camera. And I couldn't do it any faster. As soon as I sat back down the tears started slipping down my cheeks. It just felt like one of those days where all you felt like doing was blobbing in bed and crying while watching soppy movies. I'd been having those a lot recently, and to be completely honest I had no explanation for it. Maybe it was stress. Whatever it was I hated feeling like this all the time. It reminded me of when dad told us he was leaving. And then this song reminded me of my childhood, and since I would always listen to Nickelback with my dad, it hurt just that little bit more.

I tried to push all of that to the back of my mind. There was no way I could ever remove some of those thoughts from my mind. They were always just nibbling away back there, waiting for me to feel weak and vulnerable. I took a deep breath and switched on my laptop, and created a YouTube account. I had no idea what to make the username so I went with my default one, beeebee24. I had used this for almost everything, and to be honest, it was part of my email address, and I'm 99% sure it was my current twitter username. I uploaded the video, making it private and without editing because one, only Dana and a few people were going to see it and two, I really couldn't be bothered trying. I had made a few short films for uni assignments, but from what I've heard from the likes of Alfie and Joe and the rest of the British YouTube gang, it took a lot of time and effort to edit a video. I was exhausted and yet I'd done basically nothing.

I didn't plan on telling Dana the password yet, I wanted to put a few more videos online first. And later was another opportunity to film. I was going out with a friend tonight, not to go clubbing or drinking as many may think. We were going to go up one of New Zealand's most famous land marks, the Sky tower. Making sure I plugged the battery in to charge, I hopped up and into the shower, because nobody needed or remotely wanted to be around someone who hadn't showered.

After getting myself ready to go out, my friend Catherine turned up at my house to pick me up and drive us into the city. It was about 7pm so it was dark and all the city lights were on. After walking from the carpark to the sky tower, we paid for our entry tickets and climbed in the elevator to take us up to the viewing platform. I'd brought my video camera with me and had been videoing since we got out of the car, for Dana to show her friends overseas.