So Small

Chapter 1: I make the world go round

It was a Sunday afternoon and there was nothing better I could do. My mom was in the middle of working and I was trying to battle my way through my endless nightmares once again. My mom didn't know what happened to me when I was a little girl and I prayed she never. My best friend and I just recently turned 15. It was so much fun, she was the first person I had seen since I had came back home from the hospital. She was always there for me whenever I needed her.

I suffer from mental illness. I am bipolar II, OCD, social anxiety and a crap ton of other things wrong with me. I have a problem with cutting. I self-injure. It's the only way to get away from the nightmares and the constant faces of life. If I didn't, I don't know if I'd be able to hold my head above water or stop myself from walking out in front of a car and not care if I lived or died. Most people don't know that secret about me. I've only told so many people about my problem. Yes, my problem. I've only admitted to only a few people about my problems and what I face with knowing the reason why no one will ever love me. My bipolar-manic moods contribute to that poor fact about me.

The most unfortunate news I have to say is my mom is making me go back to school. She keeps telling me, "you're fine and no one will even realize you have left school for two weeks."

Yeah, mom whatever you say.

I've never been a morning person but I woke up at 3:30AM for some reason and I could not go back to sleep, no matter how hard I tried. That's never happened to me before. I read a lot of supernatural things and occurrences that have happened within other people's lives and compare them to my own experiences. The significant to 3:00AM is that's the unholy hour, opposed to 3:00PM the holy hour in which Christ was born. People say if you wake up between 3:00 and 3:30 that means there's going to be something that goes wrong in your life. This is a lot of superstition and some on actual occurrences. However, that doesn't always mean that it will happen every time you wake up at this hour.

By the time 6:00am came, I looked like I was the walking dead. I couldn't see straight but yet, I somehow made myself look appealing so I could go to school and see everyone for the first time and 2 weeks. No one knew were I went or what happened to me and I was okay with that, no one needed to know what happened to me. This was my second trip in almost three or so years, however the before math of me going to the hospital wasn't the most amazing thing in the world. I can remember my mother screaming at me like it was yesterday.

"Look at what you did to this family! You are an ungrateful bitch!"

I said nothing to my mom and I cried, she decided to take me to my aunt's house that was by the hospital we were going to and have her yell at me too.

"Do you remember what I did to your cousin when he pulled this shit? He went away for months and yet, here you are being exactly like him. You are being selfish."

Why did I deserve that? Was I indeed selfish because of what I did to myself? Was it my fault? Yes, I know I'm the one that inflicted the wounds on myself. I've wanted to try to kill myself so bad before. No one has ever made me want to end my life before. But, I'm still here and that means I am here for some reason and I am not sure why. I am not sure why I'm not gone. This never seems to make any sense to me. Why on Earth I can't seem to escape the torture that is within myself?

I was finished getting ready for school and I made my way down to my bus stop and put my music in, waiting for the bus. I hoped the bus stopped. My mom told the school I wouldn't be in there for at least two weeks and she had told me they notified my bus driver. Well, my mom had called Sunday when she had picked me up from the hospital and told the office lady at my school that I would be coming back on Monday and to inform the bus driver and my teachers. The lady told my mom all will be done and to have me wait outside, like I would be every morning, by 6:45AM.