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[2] The Plague, crossing me, and other things to avoid

The Plague, crossing me, and other things to avoid

Okay, so this isn’t REALLY about the plague, me, or any other common thing to avoid. I’m pretty sure that nobody reading this needs to be told that sniffing my shoes is a bad idea. This is, in fact, a little article for Wattpad writers – telling them what they should avoid as they write.

There are plenty of other such articles ‘out there’ – but your telling me that means that you think I care. Or that I’m boring you – but you’re the one who read it, which is my counterargument, so let’s not go there. Let’s just get to the list, shall we?

1.       Avoid the use of proper grammar

Why so, iswearidontbite?

Because, young grasshopper, proper use of grammar implies that you know how to write half decently.

But-

And you don’t want people thinking that about you.

I see.

Good, now make me some breakfast.

So, when I say ‘avoid the use of proper grammar’, what do I mean? The six basics are:

a.       Don’t capitalize – doing so makes you look stupid. stupid writers don’t get votes.  

b.      Apostrophes are your best friend – put them wherever you like do’nt be put off by other writer’s who use them properly. Its alway’s fun to read storie’s that have apostrophe’s dotted all over the page. And fun = vote’s. 

c.       Full stops and commas, and sometimes spaces between words are unnecessary. My bestfriend came to me and said she liked my cat dog and turtle I said thank’s. 

d.      Dialogues should be in one paragraph – spacing is for idiots. It makes it so much more fun to read when the reader has to figure out what’s going on; who’s saying what. Fun = vote’s, remember! 

“Oh my God you will not believe what I saw!” We were at the hilltop and the wind was blowing the hair in my face. “What did you see?” My best friend Lisa was with me. “Wait, let me guess!” “Okay, go ahead and try.”

e.      Exclamation marks are your other best friend. Put them everywhere! It makes you characters seem…lively and readers love lively characters! If the readers like the characters, they vote! 

f.        ‘Your’ and ‘you’re’, ‘their’, ’they’re’, and ‘there’, ‘my’ and ‘mine’ and all other homophones can be used interchangeably – so do it! Your the author of you’re story so forget what others think – their dumb beings of lower intelligence. They will appreciate how you do what you want, and so look up to you, and vote 

 2.       Don’t spell every word correctly

Do explain the logic behind this please?

Grasshopper, grasshopper. Spelling every word correctly makes it look like you are acquainted with a dictionary or spell check software.

I don’t get it.

Being associated with such things in this day and age is a crime! It makes the author look like a know-it-all, and nobody votes for stories by a know-it-all.

I understand.

Yes. But you forgot the orange juice.

Spelling every word correctly is bad for your story. Yu shud spel lyk dis, nd if its texting language its better cuz tht way vry1 noes wt ur saying.