Inherent Heart (on hold)

Chapter 23

"These last six years... have been really hard for me. I kept mostly to myself, and never really let on how much I was suffering. I knew my mom was hurting more than I was, and I could hardly stand to be around her for the first two years. Then one day I came home, and I saw her sitting on the floor, surrounded by my dad's clothes, sobbing. I went up behind her, and put my arms around her, holding her while she cried. I cried too. My mom is the most amazing woman I know, excluding present company, of course. I had never seen her lose control like that before, not when she'd gotten the news, not even at the funeral. My mom is a very strong woman, but there is a side to her that very few people see. She can be quiet and shy, almost like a child. After we finished crying, we baked cookies, just like we used to. Since then, we both did a little better. We took care of each other, at least. She is been fairly happy now, especially since the arrival of her first grandchild. And I came out of my... coma, so to speak. Though since everyone ignored me, it didn't mean much. I actually met your sister Ivis once. She was really nice to me, something I hadn't expected, but needed more than I had realized. She reminds me a lot of you," Jesse finished quietly. Silently, I wrapped my arms around him, rubbing his back. When I pulled away, there were tears in my eyes.

"The way you take care of you mom reminds me of how I always took care of my Aunt. She raised me, but I helped her almost as much as she helped me. When she died, her two year old daughter was taken away from me, and her guardian became Rob, my Aunt's old friend. With her dying breath, Charmain had made me promise to take care of Damaris. I was broken by Charmain's death, and was hardly able to take care of myself, let alone my cousin. Then one day Rob brought Damaris to my Aunt's farm, where I was living. I saw her for the first time in a year, and she was only three, but she recognized me. She called me 'momma.' It had only been a year since my Aunt had died, and I didn't want to love anyone that much again, because when you love someone, it gives them the power to break you. When I saw Damaris, she looked so much like her mother that it broke my heart. I was afraid that if I loved her, she would destroy me the way her mother had, and I knew that if I was hurt that way again, I wouldn't be able to survive it. But you can't chose who you love. After that, I went to visit Damaris every day, and became her mother, of sorts. Because Rob lived alone, I was the only woman her life, and I fulfilled my promise to Charmain. When I left with Ivis, it broke my heart to leave her. She turned seven last month, and I wasn't there," I concluded, my voice trembling.

Jesse pulled me into his arms and onto his lap, cradling me gently. I turned my face up towards his, my lashes wet with tears. My silent question was as clear as if I had spoken it aloud, and Jesse complied, both to oblige me and because his need was as acute as mine. He bent his face to mine, and kissed me with force that knocked the breath out of me. I responded automatically to his touch, his kiss. I wound my arms around his neck, and pulled myself up, pressing against him. He stood up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He carried me over to Edward's tent, and called his name until we heard him get up. Then we fell into our own tent, and Jesse tugged at my shirt. I sighed in relief when I at last felt his hands on my skin, and felt him shiver when my hands met with his skin.

The next morning I awoke curled into Jesse chest, his arms around me. I tasted the salty tears I had shed last night on my lips, as well as Jesse. I opened my eyes, and saw that Jesse was already awake, his eyes inched from mine. Too soon, we had to get up. We finished our large but bland (which was helpful to my queasiness) breakfast before the sun was in the sky, and traveled at a fast, steady pace all day. Thankfully, I was able to keep my nausea at bay, but the infamous pregnancy fatigue was getting out of hand. Staying active helped a bit, though I wished I could skip a day here and there. I only got about five to six hours of sleep each night, sometimes less. Each morning it was harder to rise, and I had difficulty keeping my eyes open during night-watch. Jesse let me sleep then, but I wanted to stay up with him, since it was the only time we could be alone together.