ON HOLD - Silent Whispers - Family Secrets

~Chapter 2~

Chapter Song

Damn You - Lana Del Rey

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I am going crazy!

Giovanna thought to herself patting down each and every suit jacket and pants hanging in her wardrobe. She hadn't even realized just how much of Francesco's clothes were already in her possession as technically they weren't even living together.

Although he continued to live with his older brother Salvatore, most nights he slept at her place while their dream home was currently being prepared. The home they would move into after their wedding.
Giovanna could not wait to say goodbye to her medium sized apartment and say hello to the house the pair had chosen out of the city. A beautiful villa with guest quarters that would put her current apartment to shame.

As a jacket toppled off the hanger and onto the floor Giovanna's heart sank. Standing immobile for a moment she imagined his jacket scrunched up on the floor of someone else's apartment.
The same jacket around the shoulders of somebody younger, maybe even prettier than her? Somebody sexier, vivacious and flirty.
The jacket being rolled off his shoulders before a night of passion by the younger, prettier, sexier, vivacious, flirty woman, prior to returning home to her.

Would she cook for him? Clean his clothes? Make him laugh? Love him?
The questions becoming unbearable as they flooded her mind.

Does she even exist?

She thought leaning over to retrieve the material from the ground, placing it back on the hanger.

The thought of placing her hand inside a pocket and touching something which didn't belong made her nauseous. Did she even want to find something just to prove her right? How would she deal with the situation?

With each and every plunge her shaking hands took she felt guilt each and every time she came up empty.
She tried desperately to avoid her own reflection in the wardrobe mirror. She didn't want to look at that person. That crazy person, the irrational one.
Her eyes swollen from tears, hair wild like the wind on an unexpected stormy day.
She had no idea why she had even been crying. She hadn't found any evidence pointing to anything out of the ordinary with her fiancé and the guilt was suddenly consuming her.

The possibility she was wrongfully outing her fiancé to her best friend played horrible consequences on her stomach.
On one hand, she longed to be wrong, craved it with every fiber of her being. On the other, this would make her a horrible distrusting person.
He had never given her a reason for this ultimate betray of distrust, she had never even imagined herself rummaging through Francesco's belongings hoping yet not hoping for confirmation.
Yet here she found herself, turning into the one person she thought she'd never be. The same person she would snicker about behind her own friend's backs.
She was guilty of passing judgement on their relationships, only to now be faced with the same possible fate.

Her mind slowly but surely driving her to the brink of insanity, she wanted to be wrong, oh so wrong. But something within her told her she was right. Something deep within, a voice she could barely make out but knew all too well was there.

Where was he sleeping when he didn't sleep with her? Was he really at his apartment? Would Salvatore ever confirm this if she asked one day? Did all the brothers know of his possible betrayal? Was she the secret laughing stock of the family?
A pathetic soon-to-be wife who inherits a mistress the moment she says "I do"?

Without realizing it, Giovanna found herself sitting on the ground leaning back against a set or drawers containing her intimates.
She stared down at her engagement ring bringing her right hand over her left spinning the ring around and around hypnotized by the motion.

Do I mean nothing?

She tortured herself with the burning internal questions, questions no woman ever wanted to ask herself.

Am I not good enough?

Her breathing becoming shallow, quicker, urgent as she continued to turn the ring around her finger.

Am I not adventurous enough?

There were things she couldn't, wouldn't do sexually, things she felt awkward about. Things most women would do. Things he may have found the pleasure in elsewhere.
There were times when she wished she could let go. Close her eyes and not think. Most of the times sex with Francesco was perfect, he satisfied her each and every time over and over again, there was no denying he was a generous lover. At times even too much so.

Giovanna had broken all her rules when she slept with Francesco, she was supposed to wait, she had wanted to wait until marriage. But things hadn't quite gone to plan. Tempted and seduced by the thought of him. No one had ever made her feel that way. He was the only one who had tempted and tested her faith.
The new rule she had enforced straight after was absolutely no unprotected sex. She didn't believe in contraceptives for women, it was against everything she believed in, everything her parents and church had taught her.
They had never had sex without a condom, not even once. Francesco had tried on more than one occasion trying to ease himself inside her bare, but each and every time she had stopped him.

She was determined to save something special for her wedding night. Something they could experience for the first time together when they united as one in body and soul.

But for now she sat alone on the floor of her apartment pondering their relationship and everything it stood for.
Had she thrown away a part of her to be with Francesco? He certainly hadn't forced her, yet she was ready to regret it all if what she thought was true.
Her mind tossing back and forth, back and forth with all the possibilities.
She stood to her feet suddenly inhaling a deep breath shaking herself off. Her hand coming up to rid her of a few stray tears.

"You're wrong Giovanna. Pull yourself together!" She stated loudly holding onto the one possibility she was banking on with everything left in her. She wanted to be wrong, she needed to be wrong, she was going to prove herself wrong.

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Damn you Francesco... Damn you! Hope you enjoyed the sultry voice of Lana Del Rey in this chapter, she's amazing =)

No double update for Whispers in New York this week - but you did get this update so not all bad right? ;-)

How are we feeling right now? Giovanna Striking a chord within you? Are you feeling her pain and frustration? 

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