Chapter 27

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Alexandria's POV 

I threw back the covers, jumping up and hurrying into the shower. I needed to get ready and I needed to do it now. I had an appointment with Karen, and I needed to get there, I needed to see Karen, I had to see Karen.
I got in the shower, washing my hair, no I was scrubbing it and I needed to stop or I'd go bald. I was manic.
I jumped out, drying myself quickly. I grabbed whatever dress and pulled it on, tying my hair back wet. I didn't care, I needed to get to Karen.
I headed down the stairs, stopping half way. I wanted coffee, with my lack of sleep it was more I needed coffee, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to go into the kitchen. I could hear talking coming from there and I hesitated. No, I'd go in, grab a cup and leave.
I took a deep breath, putting my head down and walking straight to the cupboard and grabbing a cup.
"Are you going out too?" Lola asked.
I glanced up. Her and Brian were sitting there, eating breakfast.
"Excuse me?"
"I said are you going out this early as well?"
"Yeah I have an appointment." I quickly explained. "Why?"
"No reason." She said. "It's just Matt got up super early and went out too."
"Oh." I said, pouring a coffee.
"Are you coming to the studio today after your appointment?"
I took a mouthful of my coffee, looking out the window. "I have a few things to today." I lied. I had nothing to do but I was certainly going to find something.
"Aww." Lola said, sounding disappointment.
"Yeah well." I said, pouring my coffee down the sink. "Gotta go, see ya."
I grabbed my bag on the way out, virtually running to my car.
Oh god, it wasn't even my car.
I had trouble concentrating on the drive, but I made it there in one piece, checking in with the receptionist and then I sat to wait. I was early so I grabbed a magazine, flicking through it, ignoring the thoughts in my head.
"Alex you're early." Karen announced, finally opening her office door.
I jumped up smiling and nodding, following her in.
"Are you okay?" She asked as I sat down.
"Absolutely."
"Ah, good." She said sitting opposite me. "So how have you been?"
"Just fine."
"I see. What have you been doing?"
"Nothing." I said.
"Oh okay." She said shifting in her seat. "You're okay, you're fine and you've been doing nothing?"
"Yes."
"Okat Alex, that's fine, that's good." She picked up a glass of water, taking a drink. "Today I thought we might talk about affection."
"Why?" I didn't feel like talking about anything.
"Because. Tell me about affection Alex."
"I don't want to."
"Did your parents show you affection?"
I shrugged. "I guess."
"So they hugged you?"
"Not really."
"Your parents showed their love for you in other ways?" She asked, leaning forward.
"I guess, I mean yes."
"You pretty much got whatever you wanted didn't you?"
I closed my eye's, but she was right, I did.
I nodded.
"And you know what Alex, that's perfectly fine." Karen told me. "Don't ever doubt that your parents loved you, because I think they did, they loved you so much that they were willing to do anything for you."
I nodded, feeling the tears begin to fall. I missed my parents so much and it was a feeling that never went away.
"What about Brandon?" She suddenly asked. "Did he show you affection?"
"I guess." I said quietly.
"Ugh no Alex, what he did was not affection, beating you was not affection, forcing himself on you, raping you was not affection. Do you see Alex, do you know the difference?"
"Of course I do." I whispered.
"I'm talking about hugs and kisses, words, caresses."
"Yes." Crap, I was going to start crying. "I know what you're talking about."
"Do you Alex, do you really?"
"Yes." I sobbed, covering my face.
"Okay Alex, stop, tell me what happened." She suddenly said.
"What do you mean?"
"I can see something has upset you and I can't help unless you tell me." She said quietly.
I nodded, grabbing a tissue and wiping my face.
"Was it Brandon?" She asked.
I shook my head. "No, it really wasn't."
"Then what?"
"Matt." I cried. "It was Matt, he kissed me."
She looked at me, pursing her lips. "How did that make you feel?"
Was she serious? "I don't know."
"Bullshit Alex." She said, leaning forward. "How did it make you feel?"
I closed my eye's, thinking about it, but not wanting to. "Nice." I whispered.
"You liked it?"
"I think so." I told her.
"You liked the kiss or the fact that it was Matt that kissed you?"
"I don't know." I cried. "I don't, I...." I was so confused.
"Alex it's perfectly fine to be confused, it's okay." She said softly.
I nodded, wiping my tears.
"Do you like Matt, spending time with him?"
I sighed. "Yeah I do."
"So what was so bad about the kiss?"
"I wasn't expecting it." It was such a shock to me.
"That's it, you weren't expecting it?" She asked. "Not that he forced it upon you, not that he did it, not that you didn't like it?"
"I liked it." I blurted, instantly regretting it.
"You did?" She asked smiling.
"Yes." I whispered. "I did, but, oh god, I didn't know what to do."
"It's okay Alex, it's fine." She said, getting up and sitting next to me as usual. "You're not used to that and this is the type of thing I was talking about, affection, affection is lovely Alex."
I nodded, scrunching up the tissue.
"Would you like him to kiss you again?"
I put my head in my hands, closing my eyes. "I think so."
"You think so?"
"It was confusing, I'm confused."
"Okay, that's okay." She said touching my arm. "Talk to Matt, ask him to kiss you again, then close your eyes and decide. Only you know what you want Alex."
I nodded, grabbing another tissue.
"So go honey, talk to Matt." She said standing up. "Hug him, kiss him, get all affectionate with him."
I nodded.
"Smile Alex, this is a good thing, you're moving forward." She told me, walking me to the door. "So, that's your homework okay." She grinned. "And then when you come back on Monday you can give me all the juicy details."
"Okay." I said softly.
"Alex, it's okay to like a man touching you, it really is."
I just had to keep telling myself that and as I left, I had to sit in my car for five minutes.
Karen was good, she listened to me, she gave me guidance and good advice, but the one thing she didn't tell me, the one thing I wished she did..........how the hell do I get Matt to kiss me again?

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