Days pass. Nights pass.
It doesn't get any better.
I live in a nightmare, I sleep in a nightmare. Sometimes I can barely tell the difference when I wake.
I know the doctors are getting worried. This is not how their Capitol Games was meant to go. The victor was meant to be healthy, happy. Not the broken, weak person I have become.
Is that all I am? A broken person?
I think so. When I think of myself, I think of my heart. My heart is definitely broken, and even if the rest of me can be repaired, I doubt it will ever be fixed.
Days stretch into weeks. Time has no meaning for me anymore, but I know this because of the calendar at the side of my bed. Every morning a nurse crosses off the day with a large, red X. It's my only sense of time - other than that, I sleep when I want, wake when I want, eat when I want. There is a button on my bedside table I can press if I need assistance.
The Xs mount up. Soon the nurse turns the page. I'm not getting any better.
Katniss returns at some point. Probably a month after the Games ended. I can see the worry lines etched into her face.
She says nothing, just nods and perches next to my bed.
I'm the first the break the silence. "It's not getting any better," I mumble. "I can't stop thinking about her."
She nods, like she could ever understand. "You've got to keep going. Plough through it. You are strong; I believe in you," she replies.
I just shake my head.
Soon everyone is worried. I only get out of bed to use the toilet, and even then I only get up once a day. Psychologists, physiotherapists, doctors, fellow victors - everyone tries, and fails, to get me up and moving again. I hear snippets of conversation and catch worried glances at me.
"Panem is getting uneasy. They want to see their victor alive and healthy," one person says when she thinks I am asleep. Her voice is vaguely familiar.
"He will get better. He just needs time," another deeper, manly voice replies.
"He's had time, Doctor. He's had a month to recover, and we haven't seen any changes." I realise who is speaking: President Paylor, the new ruler of Panem since Snow was assassinated, but I find I don't care.
"A week. We'll make him better in a week," the doctor insists.
"Fine, you have a week. But if not..." she pauses.
"If not, we're going to have to find an alternative."
That night, I make up my mind. Things are not getting any better. I am living in my own personal hell and nothing doctors can do will take me out of it.
Once I'm sure the nurses think I am asleep, I climb out of bed and stumble across the room. From overhearing conversations, I have managed to lay out a simple map of the hospital; I know that I am one floor down from the roof.
I turn a corner and find the stairway. I had thought there would be a lock on the door - I had brought a pin just in case, stolen from a nurse's hair as she leant over me - but the door swings right open when I turn the handle. It doesn't even creak.
My legs are shaking from so much effort, after so long in bed, but I hurriedly climb the stairs until I emerge in front of yet another door. This one isn't locked either. It's almost like they want me to go through it.
I walk over the doorway and onto the roof. From here, I can see the twinkling lights of the Capitol. I search for my house, but I cannot see it. Instead I spot the Training Centre, and remember walking in for the first time, all those weeks ago, before the Games.
I step closer to the edge. The wind is ruffling my hair like my mother used to do when I was little. I look down, and see hard concrete, eight floors below.
Is this really what I want? Do I really want to die?
Do I really want to live?
The Games has ruined me. Even if I don't die now, I will be gone inside, forever. I can't change that.
So I decide: there will be no victor of the Capitol Games.
I jump off the ledge.
Author's note: I can't believe it's over *sniffles*
Thank you all for sticking with this book, and I'm so sorry for the depressing ending. I hope you enjoyed the book all the same.
For the last time, please remember to vote and comment :')
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The Capitol GamesFanfiction
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