Chapter 23

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Alexandria's POV

I looked in the mirror. I really didn't want to go see Karen today. I'd rather hang out at the studio, it would be more fun than being grilled by my therapist.
I'd been seeing her every second day for nearly two weeks and she was brutal. Every time she made me cry, telling me things, saying things about Brandon and what hurt the most was that she was right. She was right about everything. My parents, Brandon, everything.
"Hey." Lola said, sticking her head through the door. "We're gonna go."
"Okay." I told her. "I'm almost ready."
I followed her out of the bathroom and downstairs. I wanted to say bye to Matt before he left.
"You staying here tonight?" I asked Lola as we walked into the kitchen.
"I most certainly am." She said smiling. "Do you mind if Brian stays over?"
I shook my head. "Not at all." I adored Brian and I was so happy for Lola.
"Hey." Matt said walking in. "You coming down when you're done?"
I shrugged. "I was thinking I might go and look at some cars today."
"Maybe we can do that later." He suggested. "After we're done for the day."
I shrugged. Karen was trying to teach me to be independent and I figured buying a car myself was a good place to start. "We'll see." I told him and I immediately felt bad. He looked disappointed and just for a second I wondered if he was disappointed in not looking at cars or not seeing me.
No, I told myself, you will not think like that. I did not need anyone to complete me. I was independent, I could make my own decisions.
"Well I guess I'll see you later." Matt mumbled, leaving.
Lola kissed my cheek running after him.
I drank a quick coffee then headed off myself and when I arrived I begrudgingly walked in and waited in the waiting room for Karen. I was beginning to hate her, making me relive my worst moments.
"Alex, come in." She called smiling.
The smiley bitch. I wanted to wipe that smile off of her face.
"How are things going?" She asked.
I shrugged. "The same."
"Still off work, hanging with your friends?"
"Any word from the police?"
I shook my head. "Nobody has seen him."
"Well hopefully the prick is long gone."
"So how did you meet him?" She asked.
That sneaky bitch. "Who?"
"It was about a week after my parents died. I ran into him at the supermarket."
"What attracted you to him Alex?"
"I don't know, I guess I was lonely and he was there."
"And he took advantage of your loneliness, drawing you in."
"I suppose."
"You pretty much spent your life locked in your house right. Your parents didn't like you going out and Brandon sure as hell didn't like you going out."
"It didn't bother me, I wasn't a social person anyway."
"Wasn't? Now you are?" She asked.
I shook my head. "I don't know, I just hang out with my friends."
"Would you date?" She asked bluntly.
"I don't know."
"What would you do if another man touched you Alex, what if he wanted to get intimate with you?"
I repositioned myself on the couch. This was making me uncomfortable, sex made me uncomfortable.
"Alex, this is a real question. You're going to want to date again aren't you?"
"And he's going to want to kiss you, get intimate, have sex Alex, he's going to want to have sex with you."
I shook my head. "No. I wouldn't do that." I would never do that again.
"How can you maintain a relationship without intimacy Alex?"
"I don't know."
"You need intimacy Alex, you can not have a relationship without intimacy."
"I won't have one then."
"So what, you'll spend the rest of your life alone because you don't like sex?"
I swear she was mocking me. "Yes."
"What don't you like about it?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Sex Alex, what don't you like about it?"
I looked at her. She'd asked me this before and I'd always managed to get around it, but she wasn't going to give up.
"Everything? Like what? I want to know what everything is." She demanded.
I groaned, closing my eyes. "All of it, the whole thing."
"Explain it to me Alex."
"I hate the fumbling, I hate the feeling of my panties being ripped down." I took a breath. "I hate the smell, I hate feeling it, pushing against me."
"You know what I'm talking about." I cried. "I hate it being pushed inside of me, it hurts, it's horrible and the grunting, I hate that, I hate it all, it's disgusting."
I bit my lip, wiping my face, as usual she made me cry.
"Alex, what you described wasn't sex, it wasn't love making, you described rape, which is what that was." She got up and did her usual sitting next to me. "Alex, sex is a wonderful thing, especially when it's with someone you love and who loves you back, it's soft and gentle, slow and beautiful."
I shook my head. How could it ever be like that?
"Alex, honestly it is. If it was like you described it do you think any woman would be having sex? Fuck no they wouldn't, but Alex sex is a wondrous thing."
I sat there, staring out the window.
"Alex, I hope you find out." She murmured. "I hope you meet a guy who will hold your hand, kiss you softly, hug you, love you, nurture you and show you how wonderful sex is. I really hope you do."
I looked down at my hands, crying. "I would like that." I sobbed.
She hugged me. "Oh Alex, see, we're getting somewhere, two weeks ago you wouldn't even entertain the thought of another relationship." She told me. "Admittedly you have a long way to go but honey, you're not completely closed off and that's wonderful and it's especially wonderful for some guy out there who's just waiting to meet you."
"Do you think so?" I whispered.
"Yes I do."
We ended the session and I left feeling exhausted like I usually did and as I got into my car, well Matt's car, I closed my eye's, mildly entertaining the thought of having a boyfriend.
I smiled to myself, opening my eye's.
What I saw completely wiped that smile right off of my face.

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