Chapter 20

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Alexandria's POV

I could hear Matt and Lola talking downstairs, they were obviously getting ready to leave for the day and I wouldn't be far behind them. I had my first appointment with my therapist and I was a little nervous but excited. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was keeping an open mind.
I quickly checked myself in the mirror then headed downstairs.
"We're going in a minute." Lola said.
I nodded pouring a coffee.
"I prefer you not be here alone." Matt told me smiling.
"I'm leaving as soon as I finish this." I told them, holding up my cup.
"We'll wait." Matt said.
I smiled, I liked having Matt here, I felt safer, protected.
"We'll be late." Lola grumbled.
"So?"
I didn't want them to be late so I drank my coffee quickly and grabbed my purse.
"I'm ready."
We walked out to the cars together and Matt opened my car door for me.
"Thanks again for the loan." I told him, getting in.
"My pleasure, honestly." He told me smiling. "Are you coming down after your appointment?"
I nodded, smiling back. "Of course."
"Good. I'll see you then."
I pulled out of the drive smiling. For the first time in a long time I was excited, excited for my session, excited that at the end of the day I got to hang out with some really nice people.
I arrived at my appointment and went inside, filling out a load of paperwork, then I was finally led into an office. Well it looked more like a living room and it felt homely.
I made myself comfortable as a girl, not much older than me walked in.
"Hi Alexandria, I'm Karen." She said, sitting down.
"Please, call me Alex." I told her, then I started laughing.
"That's funny?" She asked.
I nodded. "I couldn't stand being called Alex a few weeks ago."
"Well what changed?"
I shrugged. "I don't know, I made some new friends."
"Friends are important."
I nodded, they were.
"So Alex, we can talk about anything here, anything at all, it all remains in this room." She said. "Between you and me. So anything you want to discuss?"
I shook my head. "Not really." I probably should have said, yes, loads, but I'm not sure where to start.
"That's okay, let's just chat." She said, getting comfortable. "Tell me about your childhood?"
"It was pretty average I guess." Nothing about my childhood ever stood out to me.
"You were an only child?"
"Oh yeah, I was the miracle baby."
"Miracle baby?"
I nodded. "My parents were told they would never have children, but here I am. My mother fell pregnant with me in her forties, so I was a real miracle."
"It certainly sounds like it." She agreed.
"They were very glad." I added, in case she got the wrong idea.
"I'm sure. What about school Alex, did you enjoy going to school?"
"I was home schooled."
"So you never went to school?"
I shook my head.
"Friends?"
I shook my head again.
"Hmmm Alex, why didn't you go to school, make friends?"
I shrugged. "I don't know, my parents felt safer keeping me at home."
"Because you were their miracle baby."
"Something like that."
"You do realise that while they thought they were doing the right thing Alex, they were depriving you."
I frowned at her. "I wasn't deprived. I was never deprived of anything."
"But you were." She said smiling, and leaning forward. "You were deprived of essential life skills Alex, simple things that you weren't taught."
"That's stupid."
She shook her head. "It's not Alex and these little life skills that you missed, well they contributed to the predicament you found yourself in after your parents death."
"Predicament?" Is that what it was called?
"Well yes or we could call it what it really is."
She was confusing me and I felt uncomfortable.
"An abusive relationship Alex. That's what it was." She went on. "Does that make you uncomfortable Alex, calling it that?"
I shook my head, I wasn't sure.
"I'm blunt Alex, because beating around the bush isn't going to help you, not at all. Your parents hid you away Alex, they didn't prepare you for the world, you were vulnerable and Brandon knew it."
How did she even know his name?
"Research Alex. I don't begin any of my sessions without knowing my client."
I just looked at her. I didn't want to be here anymore.
"Are you feeling uncomfortable Alex? Is this conversation out of your comfort zone, because that's exactly where I want you to be."
Well I was there. I was way out of my comfort zone.
"Can you tell me about that relationship?" She asked.
I shook my head, I didn't want to talk about.
"Was it your first?" She asked and not waiting for a reply. "Of course it was, your parents made sure of that."
I wiped at a tear that slid down my cheek. "My parents loved me."
"I don't doubt they did Alex but I'm sure they never intended to leave you like they did, they never intended for you to be beaten."
I closed my eye's.
"And I'm sure they never intended for you to be raped Alex, because let's be honest, he raped you didn't he, repeatedly."
I shook my head. "I don't know."
She sighed, smiling. "Alex, honey, I want to help you, but you need to see that this relationship was not normal. It's not normal to be beaten and it is certainly not normal to be raped by your partner."
I closed my eye's. I really didn't want to talk about it.
"Were you a virgin?"
I looked at her, shocked. "Excuse me?"
"Were you a virgin Alex. The first time he raped you, were you a virgin?"
I shook my head. I didn't want to hear this.
"You weren't a virgin?"
"Yes." I cried. "Yes I was." And I put my face in my hands, crying.
I can still remember it, him tearing at my clothes, all sweaty, grunting, and the pain, god I remembered that pain so well.
"It's okay." She whispered, sitting next to me, hugging me. "I want you to see Alex, I want you to understand that there was nothing normal about this relationship, there was nothing normal about the way your parents raised you and mostly, understand that none of this is your fault, not one bit of it."
I cried softly.
"Now I think that's enough for today." She said softly. "Now with every visit Alex it's not going to be as brutal, today I wanted you to face a few things, things that you have been avoiding, things you either blocked or chose to forget about, but I do want you to know that we will be going into depth and by that I mean you'll probably relive things you don't want to, but it's to help you, I want you to heal Alex and I want to help you heal."
I nodded wiping my face.
"You'll probably end up hating me. Actually." She laughed. "You probably already do. Anyway, go and I'll see you on Thursday."
I said goodbye, leaving and heading to the car. I sat there for a few moments. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus, I really did and if I wasn't so afraid of being alone I would have gone straight home, straight to bed. Instead I drove to the studio, walking in quietly, seeing everyone doing their thing. I lingered back for a minute, well until Matt saw me.
He walked over, smiling. "You okay?" He asked quietly.
I shrugged, not sure what to say and he reached out, pulling me to his chest.
I closed my eye's, breathing deeply.
How could something feel so different? Why when Brandon touched me like this I felt scared, but when Matt did it I felt the complete opposite. I felt safe, and I felt something else, something I wasn't sure of.
Did I feel happy?

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