Going Places (Sex in the Office and The Corporate Ladder) *ON HAITUS*

Jennifer The New Assistant

After Mary left OpenSoft there was a big hole left. Mary may have been bedmates with Joe and myself, but she also was a strong component in the work environment. She could program, but she also could manage projects like no one else in that place.

Well we got the resume of Jennifer. Her resume was spotless and we all marveled at how great a catch she would be. She was a very attractive brunette in her mid 30s. You know the type. The ones who are so attractive that guys don’t ask them out so they never know how beautiful they are. I was immediately enamored. She had medium short hair and a big warm smile that was contagious. At the interview she came in dressed with a nice business suit.

“I see your resume shows that you have 10 years of computer programming experience, what languages do you know?”

“FORTRAN, C, and a little of C++” She said confidently.

She crossed her legs and I her skirt slightly came up from her knee. I couldn’t help myself from looking down there and wondering if Joe is hoping this woman will replace Mary, in more ways than one.

“OK, tell me about the project that you are most proud of.”

“Well my favorite project was completed back in college.”

She squirmed a little in her seat. She was cute when she was embarrassed. She shifted from side to side in her seat. She had to wonder if I knew what was obvious at this point. She was full of it.

I sat quiet for a moment and looked at her as she continued to squirm. So I asked, “You have been working for 10 years and the project you are most proud of was from school?” I looked down at her glowing resume. She had allegedly been technical team lead of 3 teams. Her resume said things like “Technical team lead on FORTRAN development team” with a date range. Nothing about what they actually created. I said, “OK, what was your great program in school?”

“Well, as you can see, I am an expert in technical team leadership and I was able to manage the team in school. I split up the project into pieces and parceled it out to the other team members and…”

I started laughing.

“I’m sorry did I say something funny?”

“So you didn’t do anything on the project. You are trying to tell me that you led a team when you did nothing on the project.”

“No, I put together timelines and led the project to completion.”

I threw her resume on the table and said, “You really should look at a career in creative writing. Your resume is the best piece of fiction I have ever seen.”

Her face dropped and she got angry. “What on my resume is fiction?”

She hadn’t met anyone so direct before. I continued laughing. “You and I both know you can’t program worth a damn, but let’s start over. What do you want to do at OpenSoft?”

“I want a job where I can exercise my skills in technical leadership…”

“Bullshit.” I interrupted.

“Pardon me.”

“B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T”

She looked frazzled now as her eyebrows rushed towards each other and I could tell she felt hot from my statement.

“You obviously can’t program. God knows what you did at your last job. What are you going to do here?”

I looked at her in her eyes and slowly walked around the table.

She looked down and angrily said, “I have never met such a mean and unprofessional woman in my life. She grabbed her resume and stood up while she began whimpering.”

“What are you crying about?” I asked.

“You don’t know how hard the job market is out there, I am about to get evicted and really need this job.”

This brings us to our next rule, don’t ever use sympathy as a long term strategy to success. Sure you can do it here and there to get a ride or get a meal paid for, but if you use it to get a job or get a promotion, you will never be anything more than an underling. And Jennifer just gave me all the keys.

“OK, calm down.” I eased towards her and hugged her. “Now I am sure that there is something that we can do for you.”

She looked up at me with a confused look on her face when my hand slowly inched towards her breast, “Oh yes there is something we can do.” I continued.

“I…um…what are you doing?” She asked as I eased in for a kiss.

“Oh, I thought I saw something in your eye.” I said as I stood there with my hands caressing her backside.

She awkwardly smiled and said, “There is nothing in my eye.”

I still stood there caressing her while saying, “We have plenty of positions at this company and I am sure that you would fit in just fine.”

I could hear her breathing getting stronger and more belabored. “Are you open to other possibilities?” I said.

I jumped up on the desk behind me and slowly opened my legs giving a full view of the fact that I never wear any panties.

Jennifer looked at me and bit her bottom lip.

“What about my personal assistant, how does that sound?” I asked.

Jennifer looked at me and I could see her trying to process exactly what was happening. When there was a knock at the door. I closed my legs and said, “come in.”

It was Joe. He looked and said, “How is it going in here?”

“Don’t let this one go, in fact, I need you to let me have first dibs on her for my department.” I said while she was sitting there. “Isn’t that what we discussed?” I asked Jennifer.

“Yes…yes…” Jennifer said while still standing there shell shocked.

“Well we will see about that.” Joe said with a smile, “Please come with me.”

Needless to say, Jennifer was my loyal personal assistant.