chapter 24 ;; cashton

twenty

I'd nearly bitten my lip off by the time I had courage to say it. I turned to Ashton, tears forming in my eyes at the thought of killing himself. But he would get out. There was no heaven that the author wrote about, so he literally had nowhere else to go.

"Ashton, can you fuck me one more time?"

He looked to me, a pained expression at the words 'one more time'. "Fuck or make love?"

"Make love."

Ashton looked beautiful when he was getting undressed. And yes, I told him. It was the last time we were ever going to see each other, and I needed to tell him exactly what he was. He needed to know that he was beautiful, and pretty, and gorgeous.

It was slow the way we did it. Every kiss was full of something. Full of love. Full of 'I'm going to fucking miss you.' Full of 'promise me we'll see each other again.' Every thrust was like it lasted an hour, and the pleasure was so immense. Scratch marks on his back could tell you that.

Sweat glistened on him like he was an angel, and I tugged his curls just to get that amazing sound. I wanted it as the soundtrack of my real life, not the soundtrack of my written life. I watched as he released, his chest heaving and his body falling onto mine. The heaving became sobs shortly after. And sweat no longer dropped onto me, just tears.

I told him everything I thought of him. I told him how he made me feel with a lot more words than just one. I told him that his laugh was like a melody, and that his moans were a symphony. I told him that every time he smiles, my brain thinks a million things an hour, and my heart was going twice as fast.

Truth was, even if I said all this, as soon as he got out of this world, he wasn't going to remember me. He would go back to being famous Ashton Irwin, and I would go back to being a nobody. And we'd both be heartbroken, and I'll try to find him, but he'll try running away.

I told him Wattpad's world was like Badlands. We don't go there. Even if the sand wasn't pink, and it wasn't some crushed up city, it still gave you the illusion that it was perfect. You still thought that the freeness of it was amazing, but when you realised just how trapped you really were, it was too late.

He laughed and told me he was never listening to Halsey again.

"Ashton, I love you." His attempt at smiling faltered as he heard those words. He knew. He knew what was going to happen.

"I know. I just didn't want to say it, because I know those are the words that will let you leave." He sniffed, kissing me slowly. I took note of how soft his lips were and how they tasted before he pulled away. He looked into my eyes, the eyes I'd never see again. "I love you too."

And then everything went white. And as it did, I imagined Ashton killing himself over and over and over again, and how little of a difference it would make.

Myheart just killed itself three times writing this.