No. This isn't right. It can't be right. I snuggle into Tobias on the silent yet crowded train back to Dauntless. Everyone is shaken, including myself and Tobias. I don't even know what happened, but I know it can't be real. Yet it is. Reality is harsh like that: one minute it's sugar coated and perfect, then it throws you back to real life hard. This isn't sugar coated. I feel ashamed with myself as I realise that I haven't cried. Should I? Am I that heartless? Tobias hasn't but he's strong like that. I'm not strong. I think about seeing Marlene and Lynn's faces, the hurt and pain they showed. I don't want to imagine seeing Zeke's. I can't. I won't. I don't know where my friends are, they must be in another carriage. I know Marlene and Lynn went with Uriah. I imagine Christina is with Will, but I don't know if they even came. I try to cry so I don't feel cruel as I lean on Tobias but no tears come. I'm so heartless. So cruel. "Tris, what's wrong apart from the obvious?" Tobias whispers. I don't reply. I just stare into the distance. He sighs and kisses my forehead. Do I even deserve his love?
Before we get back Tobias and myself round up all of the initiates. We decide to take them to their dorms before we head to the infirmary, if we go there. God I hate that place now. Everyone is so shaken and terrified and honestly I don't blame them. What's nice to see is the humanity events like this bring out. Everyone looks after each other and helps each other. It's rather lovely. "Six?" I hear from behind me. I turn and see Clara with a few stray tears rolling down her cheeks. Poor thing. "What is it?" I ask her.
"Can I just...I dunno, I'm so confused and horrified I mean someone died I-" I cut her off by giving her a hug.
"I've never seen a Candor speechless." I joke as we pull away. She laughs and starts walking away. "I guess so." I watch her go back to Ginny and everyone else near her. How did this even happen? The only person I haven't seen is Draco. Of course it's the damn Malfoy kid. "Tris, ready?" I blink and look up at Tobias before noticing that the train is slowing down. Must be back. I nod as we gather the initiates. "Okay everyone! Stay close, stay together and stay quiet. Don't speak until we reach the dorms please. Also it's late so watch out for Dauntless members." Tobias instructs. Everyone nods and he takes the lead as I bring up the rear of the group. Everyone jumps off with ease, even though they are panicked and emotional. These poor kids. Okay, they're only a year younger than me. I feel I bad for them though. Sure my initiation was hell. Compared to this, it was nothing. Surprisingly Dauntless is remarkably quiet. Keep in mind though, this is Dauntless. There are groups of daredevils and partygoers, even a stray couple making out, but nothing like the usual chaos. Which is good, it makes things easier for us. We don't babysit the initiates. We make sure they're okay, not too broken, and let them go on their way. I'm concerned for some of them, but they have each other. After they leave I take Tobias' hand and intertwine my fingers with his. He doesn't seem to notice but I don't care. It comforts me. I like how big his hands are to mine. I hear him tell me that we'll just get some rest, but I don't reply. We walk in silence for the rest of the way until we reach our apartment. I reluctantly let his hand go to let him unlock the door. Without saying a word I enter and head straight for the bathroom. I hear him sigh but I don't react.
After my long shower I sit on my bed and stare blankly at everything. I get cold so I put on one of Tobias' jumpers and tie my long hair up. I should probably cut it soon. I'm still sitting absentmindedly when he enters in tracksuit pants. I don't really notice him. "Tris." He whispers, leaning against the doorframe. I don't reply. "Tris." He says it louder and more urgently. I still don't react.
"Tris." His voice raised again. Nothing.
"Beatrice!" He snaps. My head shoots up and I glare at him. I even stand up. "Don't," I mumble before raising my voice slowly. "Don't you ever use that name against me."
"Tris, you need to-"
"What? Calm down? I'd love to."
"Seriously?" I push past him and storm into the living room. "Come on Tris. Now? You really want to do this now?"
"Why bloody not? Yes, let's do this now. Let's have tea and discuss our feelings and hug it out cause that works every damn time." I turn to see him opposite me but the couch length away, arms crossed. "What's wrong Tris?"
"No, tell me, what's wr-"
"Why? Are you my mother? Leave me alone!" I glare at him, huffing. I don't even know why I'm angry at him, but I am. Maybe I'm angry at the world but I'm taking it out on him. Sounds about right. I hear him take a step forward. Just one. He's taking this slowly then, and lightly. No pressure. Damn, he knows me. "It's been a long day and it's late. It's okay to be upset, Tris." I turn sharply. Concern is written all over his face, eyebrows knotted together and lips slightly apart. I start to crumble. He can tell as he takes another step towards me. "You don't have to act strong. It's okay, I know you. I love you, always. You know that. No matter what I-"
I break. "That's it! That's exactly it! You love me! How can you love me? I'm heartless, Tobias. I'm completely heartless and cruel. I'm a bitch, let's face it. I haven't shed a single tear. You never cry but that's you. Me? I'm emotional. I'm a wreck. Yet I haven't cried. Hell, someone just died Tobias. I saw a dead body, we both did. Yet here I am, perfectly fine. Why aren't I in meltdown mode? You don't deserve me. Go, leave. Find someone who has a heart and cares." Tears have brewed in my eyes and are waiting to spill. During my rant I must've moved as I'm two inches away from Tobias. His face is hard to read, while easy as well. It's somewhat filled with concern, relief and pity. Wait, pity? Oh please not pity. I do not need Tobias Eaton to pity me. Gently he takes my hands in his. "Is that what this is about? You not crying? Tris, it's normal. Perfectly normal. We react in different ways. Your probably still processing it."
"It was a dead body-" I don't finish as he wraps his strong arms around me and I bury my face into his neck. Soon reality slaps me and tears stream down my face. It's too much. I let my anger go, along with my sadness. I let them go with my tears. I sob for what feels like hours in his arms, letting everything out. I cry until no more tears will come and my throat is raw. So much has happened and tonight was the top of the iceberg. I hate being this weak, but even the strongest have to break at some point. At one stage he picked me up and carried me onto our bed, so when the tears stop we both lay in a comfortable silence. "I'm sorry." I whisper after a while. Tobias takes my hand and looks me dead in the eye. "Don't be. Never be sorry Tris. I'm surprised you made it this far without breaking down." I lightly smack his arm as he laughs. I snuggle into him. "Not nice Toby." I murmur.
"Toby?" I can practically hear his eyebrows shoot upwards. I groan and tell him to shut up. I play with his hands for a while as I get lost in thought. "I don't want to go to the infirmary." I say randomly. His hands tense in mine but relax again soon enough. He sighs. "That's okay, I understand. Everyone will."
"We need to help them."
"The Divergents." Silence.
"Get some rest, Tris,"
"Sleep." Somehow I do. I fall asleep just as he moves out of my arms and leaves the room.
He was back when I woke up and I haven't asked yet. I will, but not now. We're walking around Dauntless, hand in hand, preparing to see our friends. Christina invited everyone to her place. I thanked her and she seemed to understand why the infirmary is too much. "Four?" We stop and turn around but don't see anyone. Weird. "Six?" We look again. I know that voice. Suddenly his face makes an appearance in the crowd. We both tense. Now? Really? I don't know if I can deal with him. His eyes dart back and fourth as he walks over to us. "What?" Tobias asks, clearly annoyed. Draco clears his throat and pleads with his eyes. "We need to talk."
"Why?" I ask.
"There's something you need to know." I glance at Tobias who shrugs. Whatever. I look at Draco. "Okay." He walks into the corridor next to us, one that darkens as you go further down. Reluctantly we follow him. It's wide enough for two people comfortably, so he stands in front of us. "Are there cameras?" He whispers nervously. I frown. "No." Tobias answers with a hint of uncertainty. Draco sighs and stares at us. "Please listen to me. I've made bad choices, but for once I want to make the right one. I was working with Johanna for Eric," I look sharply at Tobias, who seems just as shocked but doesn't show it. "He's planning something with Erudite. I don't know what but it won't be good."
"Who is he targeting?"
"I think Divergents but do they even exist?"
Tobias shrugs in response as I'm not really coping with this. "What else do you know?"
"It's going to happen soon. Since Johanna's death he wants to fast track everything. He thinks I'm still onboard, that I'm helping him. I'm not. I'm just getting information. Sorry that's all I've got." I look wildly at Tobias. I can't believe this. I don't want to. Somehow I know it's true. Tobias does too. We look at each other before back at Draco. "What do we do?"
"We need to tell the other initiates and be prepared. Have a plan. I'll try and find out when he plans to attack. Please, trust me." We watch him walk away in disbelief.
The boy who made all the around choices finally made the right one.