chapter 24 ;; cashton

nineteen

Maybe a little triggering. Mentions of suicide.

There were stars everywhere, but I couldn't look at them when Ashton's eyes had the whole galaxy in them. We were sitting on the roof, holding hands, listening to my fake family making dinner from the open window just below us.

I wanted to say how scared I was about going back, and I wanted to say how much I wanted to go back home, but the fact that he wouldn't be coming back killed me.

I didn't know why I'd fallen in love with him so fast. I just guessed that it was because this is how fast they fell in love every fanfiction – or, you know, unless there were those ones where they didn't realise they were in love with them until the very last chapters and then they were like 'OMG!!! I luV hIM!!' There was literally no in between.

"I used to do this with my best friend, Luke, all of the time." I smiled, completely forgetting the promise to myself to not mention anything about going back.

"Tell me what to do and you can see him again."

I looked at him again, shaking my head. "I don't want to do that to you." I told him softly.

The galaxies in his eyes darkened and I almost flinched as he sat up, his hand slipping away from mine. "You won't do anything to me. I'm fine. I know how to get out."

"You – You do?" I furrowed my eyebrows, looking at him with confusion.

"Kill myself."

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my lungs, and I was finding it hard to breathe as I went over to hug him. I felt sick to my stomach as I thought of Ashton with a gun, with sleeping pills, with a razor, with a rope. On the floor, or strung by a rope wrapped around the ceiling fan.

I pushed his chest, "You fucking idiot!" I yelled at him, and he just looked at me, chuckling as he pulled me into his arms like he always did.

He told me to calm down.

Calm down.

Trust someone to calm down when they'd just been told that the person they were in love with had suggested killing himself.

"If I die, then I've basically deleted myself from the story."

"B-But, you'll die." I said, hugging him tight enough so I could hear his heartbeat. Thinking about how I would be if it stopped.

"But I'll get sent to the real world."

"What if you don't?" I asked, backing away a little so I could see his expression.

He sighed, looking like he was choosing his words carefully as he licked his lips slowly. He looked me dead in the eyes, and I knew his next words were going to be serious. "Anything's better than being here."

My heart felt like it had just broke. He was willing to commit suicide just to get out of here. I hugged him again, this time straddling him as well. He put his hands on my ass, and I knew this was going to escalate. He pushed me away a little, grabbing my face and kissing me.

This was all we did for the next few weeks.