Lawd I Do Believe She Said "Engagement Dinner."

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My Uncle Ray is an unintentional thief.

Its little things, petty things like three quarters and a dime snatched quickly out my grandma’s truck. Cigarette lighters of hers he forgets are snug in his back pocket. Towels he unconsciously stuffs in his bag and forget to return. And he wrecks cars too, bless his heart because he has the biggest one known to man but The Lord will strike me down if I don't tell it like it is. He once fixed my car and completely unhinged the insignia atop my wheel, right where you honk your horn at. Then he fixed my grams truck, the wheels were bad, but in the process the battery died. But he means well, the unintentional thief and car wrecker...at least he doesn't mean to do it.

 My cousin Caprice though, that's a sly one if I ever saw a snake in the form of a shapely light skinned girl with blond dyed hair and braces. She'll lie in your face so good until you'll believe every poisonous word sliding out of her pink lips. She's a pocket picker too, a boyfriend stealer for sure and a slanderer, but let her mama tell it that she's the most wholesome 20 year old at Briar Side University and let my good for nothing ex tell it that's she's the best girlfriend he ever had.

So in hindsight my uncle’s petty thievery is nothing, matter of fact it's not even on the scale of atrocities because next to Caprice he's an angel sent directly from God.

I hate her, so fervently, so passionately that my skin boils whenever we're in the same room.

And I'll be damned if my blood and rage aint boiling over right now at the sight of her face.

My mama is a traitor, sitting over there soaking up Caprice's lies like she's an oasis of The Living Water.

"Yes ma'am," Caprice spreads her watermelon splashed lips wide to reveal a row of metal braced teeth, "I made straight A's and the AKA's say I'm a shoe-in for a spot next year."

She's a lie, she might’ve made straight F's and AKA's don't walk around telling people that they have certified spots. Besides, I've never seen an AKA give her the time of day and she could've pledged already...Alphas though...they break their necks to spit a Lil game at Caprice. Let my ex tell it again that her body is a wonderland.

John Mayer singing cheater.

Ohhhh I can't stand Jonathan and Caprice. I just can't....I've been angry for a whole year but my family doesn’t pay it any mind.

Aunt Cheryl told me that God didn't like ugly and just because Jonathan left me for her daughter didn't mean I had the right to bad mouth her and stomp and mope around like someone had ran over my dog.

It hurts; it physically, mentally and emotionally hurts to see the two of them together. But my family can't understand it, they're just so enthused that Caprice has found a nice black Christian young man and isn't messing with any good for nothing Puerto Ricans like the one who smashed her face in two years ago.

Well that's what you get for messing with drug lords and stealing their money to smoke up your share of weed and cocaine.

But she's so good and Godly that one.

There's enough bitterness in me to poison a snake.

"Caprice baby!" Mama wraps her ebony arms around my cousin and gives her a motherly kiss on the forehead, "that's so good suga, Jesus didn't I tell you that I was almost an AKA?"

I roll my eyes and mentally gag. I don't wanna hear this story again. I know it from back to front, cover to back flap, I know the synopsis, the reviews, the abridged and the unabridged edition., I know the dust lodged in between the crevice that binds the ancient book together and all that. But mama is gonna tell her story anyway because it makes her feel good to relive her college days.

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