I nuzzle my face in my ridiculously soft pillow, feeling a warmth that I am all too familiar with. I went back. I open my eyes to the same scenery: our bedroom. I feel as if it was a dream, like I went back with him because I was scared the dream would end too soon, but its reality. My reality. I feel his body against mine and I stay still. I almost cant believe that Im back here. I feel a comfort being here, but also I feel afraid. Afraid that I just stepped back into the fire. That all of this is irreversible from here on out. I feel Michael breathe into my hair and tighten the grip he has on my stomach. I sigh deeply, hoping he doesnt wake up. Once he wakes up that means I have to face reality. The reality that I dont know who he is or what he will do to me anymore. I just dont feel that.. safe anymore.
I feel less safe away from him though..
"Forgive me. Please." Michael whispers in my ear, beginning to wake up.
I stay silent, feeling myself tense up knowing that he is awake and able to do or say anything to me. Im kinda scared, Im not gonna lie.
"You're so tense." He says, scooting closer to me.
My body is so stiff its starting to hurt. I cant relax right now. I cant relax being next to him anymore.
"Please Esmeralda. Forgive me." He says, caressing my face.
I stare at the lamp next to his bed and grip the sheets. He tries to turn me around, but my body refuses to budge.
"Look at me. Please." He says, sounding almost desperate.
I will myself to turn around in the bed and look at him. He gives me his best puppy stare and caresses my cheek with his thumb.
"I was so worried. I was afraid that you wouldnt come back. That you would send me divorce papers in the mail and that would be it. That everything that we have done in our marriage would mean nothing and we would end up being enemies or something. I never want to be without you. I know I'm hard to deal with and I make mistakes sometimes, but I promise you that I will never put my hands on you ever again. I overreacted because I believed you and Kenny had something going on and I would hate for another man, especially someone I trusted, to ever hold you, kiss you, or love you the way I do. I love you. I love you so much just please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you." He says, his eyes bright and loving.
I want to believe him, I really do, but this has been said before. I cant remember the countless times he has apologized to me for things that he knows are completely wrong, but he goes back to doing the same things and I guess Im an idiot for allowing him to come back to me. Or maybe its the other way around. Hearing him tell his story and profess his love for me makes me wonder why I even got into the car with him. And it makes me wonder why I am doing this if I dont completely believe him.
He touches my hand and I jump, feeling that electricity between us and all of the butterflies come fluttering back in my stomach.
I may not feel comfortable around him like I used to, but I still love him. I know I do. I may not trust him right now, but I know that can be built back up. Im as stiff as a tree branch just sitting next to him, but I cant imagine my life without his gentle touches and his sweet kisses, his beautiful voice and his loving nature, his movie star smile and his mind blowing sex. I close my eyes.
"I forgive you." I whisper.
I open my eyes and he has a big, stupid smile on his face. I cant help but smile at how happy he is that I forgave him. I dont see this smile often enough, its usually condescending, sultry, or just downright offensive, but this natural, genuine smile that extends to his eyes makes me happy about my decision. He touches my face and I flinch. I may have forgiven him, but that doesnt mean Im not afraid of him. His smile drops and he looks almost ashamed of himself.