Chapter 14: What's Wrong?

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September 30 2015

I spent the entire drive home beaming. I don't know what spurred it- but I kissed him. Okay, it was a peck on the cheek- but using my lips nonetheless. I felt the softest skin under my lips for that split second. It was weird, I felt it again, that tingly, burning sensation I always feelwhen we touch.

I'm not gay. I know. I'm not- I've tried and tested. I spent the last half hour looking at gay porn and some of 'People's' sexiest men, shirtless photos. Nothing, no guy, is doing it for me- but if I'm honest no girl really does it for me either. Yet, Noah does; he can gain my entire attention and entity. He gives me this strange feeling and makes me for once feel content with life. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm able to lose myself in his eyes for what seems like days.

Now, I know we established it wasn't a date, but it was the best 'not date' ever. But he has Kate as a girlfriend- gorgeous, confident Kate- I can't exactly compete with that. No not because I don't see myself as handsome or confident but just how do I convert a straight as a ruler guy- gay? Bi- sexual maybe, but if anything I could make him Bi- curious. What am I saying: we can never happen.

I give up trying to sleep, I've been staring at my ceiling for what seems like hours just re-running tonight's events over and over again in my head. I know it seems lame, I just can't help myself. This is what I feel- no changing it. Screw it-I'm going to text him.

Me: Hey, you up? -S :)

It's been five minutes, he hasn't replied. I know he might be asleep, or phone isn't charged or whatever. But he isn't scared off of me, is he? The kiss wasn't too much? It was only on the cheek.

It's been fifteen minutes-still no reply. I don't think I can sleep until I find out why he hasn't replied. Is he disgusted by me! Did I Make him feel violated? I crossed the boundaries of friendship, I blew it.

It's been half an hour. Thirty minutes of agony as I try to figure out what I did wrong. If you haven't guessed it: he hasn't replied. Maybe it wasn't the kiss at all- maybe he just hated the whole night? Am I really that boring? Had I misjudged everything about tonight? Was he only pretending to enjoy tonight to be polite?

It's been over an hour. I'm tired of being one of those obnoxious girls who obsess over boys. I'm going to practise what I preach: if he just isn't that interested in you- get over it. Who needs a Noah anyway? Okay, I know, I do. But I'm never going to get any sleep if I don't at least pretend he doesn't matter. I'll find out what I did wrong in the morning and see if I can fix whatever is left of our relationship


I wait for the ringing in my ears, from hitting the ground, to subside. Suddenly, I feel the pain shoot through my skull. As I try to focus my eyes, everything keeps on blurring. Nothing is working. I can't cry, I won't let him see me like that- see me weak.

So I slowly rise, wobbling on my feet- I tense in anticipation, ready for the next blow. I should have seen this coming- he's been dry for too long- this has been building. I should have known. The next blow comes- followed by another, and then another. I lose my footing again and slipp hitting my head against the cold floor.

But that never stops him, he'll keep coming. So he does, he keeps coming, shouting words "fag" and "poof" over and over again. The punches and his kicks keep coming, but what I didn't see was the empty bottle. It shatters against my back, from the impact. Then it hits against my neck and lower head. He just keeps smashing the broken shards against me. Repeatedly. Until everything in my vision turned black.

He must have stopped eventually, getting bored. I don't know how long I've been out but I know something is really wrong I can't feel a thing. I can't feel anything . I can't even move my legs. So with the one hand I had I can feel, I reach for my smashed phone sprawled beside my lifeless body. My glasses are destroyed so I can barely make out the number; but eventually I do. I press call, after three rings they answer.
"I need you, please, come. I can't feel anything- something is really wrong. Please don't tell anyone. I can only trust you" I sob
After moment pause as they register, "Ok, I'm coming"
"Thank you. Please be quick. I'm at home".

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