Chapter 4

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4. I'll Never Let you Steal my Coffin
I'll Never let you steal my Coffin
"I can't believe this. Does anybody else know?" Ashley asked me, a look of disbelief etched into his usually calm face.

"Only you and my best friend from high school. Now you know why your band helped me so much most of my life." He looked over , grabbing my hand as he continued along the highway back towards the mall. "I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell the guys."

"I understand, but i do think they need to know, they really care about you Ash." I looked over mildly surprised by his gentle tone. "I really care about you. It breaks my heart knowing you had to go through all that abuse." He paused a moment as a look of anger danced across his features. "If I ever meet your father i swear i'll rip him a new one. No one should treat their FAMILY like that. I can't believe your mom and brother didn't help you either. They really just sat by and watched unless they helped him in tearing you down and giving you these complexes about your weight and the way you look?" He turned to me, a look of hope somewhere deep in his eyes.

"Yeah, i told you, when my dad would scream or beat me they were never there, my mom gave me most of the complexes i have, about my weight and my looks. She always told me how fat and disgusting i was and how i'd never manage to find love anywhere but with them." I looked over reading his expression before I continued, "My legs bare the words he used to say to me, now that i'm thinner they are less prominant but, still there." I ran a slim finger over the tiny white scars along my thighs.

"This one here says "Will you miss me when i'm gone. These on the other leg are the words that haunted my nightmares though.
Failure, Slut, Freak, Fat, Lazy, Worthless. The ones across my wrists were after i promised my best friend not to keep a record of all the hurtful things he said on my skin." Flipping my wrist over i pushed back the bracelet showing him the tiny white lines climbing up my arm.

"Hold on Ashley, someone's calling me." I said reaching into the pocket of my jeans. Looking at the ID I saw Andy was calling so i pushed the green button on my touch screen. "Hey, we're on our way, Ashley and I just had to talk about something." I glanced over at him mouthing the word 'Andy' in answer to his confused expression.

"Oh, ok, do you mind me asking what it's about?"

"Kinda, i didn't even want to talk about it to Ashley but he was sorta listening at the door, so i had to."

"Oh, well i'm here for you so if you ever want to talk about it you got me and the rest of the guys."

"Sure thing bud, well we're about ten minutes away, meet us at the food court? I'm starving." Ashley gave me a knowing glance before grabbing the phone from my hand.

"Hey dude, it's Ashley, Ash and I gotta finish talking so we'll see you in a bit." He waited for a reply and then clicked the phone off, placing it back into my outstreched hand. "So when are you going to tell Andy?"

"Hopefully never. I really don't want him to have to know the extent of things, just that his music brought me so much joy and happiness, and saved my life from things i'd rather not share with him."

"It's hurting him you know. He's your friend, he knows everything about every member of the band. We're all there for each other, and since we consider you part of us now that means you too. We were all there for him when he and juliet split, and we'll all be here for you, i really think the rest of the guys need to know, and soon, before they find out like I did."

"You're right Ashley. I'll tell them soon i promise, just give me some time." He nodded in understanding as we pulled up to the mall.

"Ash! Where are you going!" Andy screamed from the food court. "You barely touched your food!"

"To Hot Topic why don't you guys come with me!" I watched as they got up before I turned back in the direction I was walking in.

"Wait up!" I didn't turn around until I felt a soft hand grab my wrist, looking up i saw Andy's porcelain eyes staring back at me.
"Hot Topic is the other way." I followed him and the rest of the guys until we got to the familiar store. Running past them through the opening i started grabbing merch off the shelves. Skinny jeans, the new BVB stuff, gauges, and wrist bands. I also grabbed a few sweaters,
knowing it was going to start getting cold soon and I would need them. Yesterday i'd officially claimed some of Ashley's sweat pants and t-shirts as my pajamas so i didn't need any right now.

"I have to admit working where i do sucks, but i get good money." I chuckled and Ashley stared at me.

"You never did tell us where you worked Ash." Andy said from behind me.

"Go ahead Ashley you can tell them while i go try this stuff on."

"You sure Ash?"

"Mhm. Now pass me that corset you got in your hand, and the leather shorts, i want to try them on first!" Taking the clothing I waltzed into the dressing room. As i closed the door I could hear CC asking "SHE WORKS WHERE!" Thankfully Ashley shut him up before he could make a spectacle.

"Wow today was really fun!" I said flopping down on Ashley's bed. "I'm glad the guys took the fact that i'm a stripper so well."

"Yeah, speaking of which, i thought you didn't want them to know about that." He looked over at me curiously. Turning over I propped myself up on my elbows looking down at him. His black hair splayed across the pillow, his strong arms resting beneath his head.

"I didn't, but i figured if i'm going to start being honest with them about my past they should know what my present is like." He nodded in agreement and grew quiet. I could feel the tension beginning to settle in the room and I knew something was wrong. "Ashley,
are you ok?" I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.

"Yeah, um Ash, you know that call I got at the mall?" He looked at me nervously and I started to feel something I hadn't felt in awhile, fear.

"Yeah. What about it."

"I have to go away for about a week, would you mind staying with Andy?" The tension slipped away as quickly as it came and I sat there grinning like an idiot.

"Sure, I can stay with Andy. When are you leaving?"

"Two days." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My stuff was all packed up, ready to go to Andy's. I knew why Ashley didn't want me here alone, but i would have been fine. I walked into the kitchen in a pair of black shorts and a tight red tank top, my ripped up tokio hotel tank top falling off one shoulder.

"Andy will be here any second to pick you up. I still have another hour before i have to be at the airport, even if the little bastard is late he won't make me late this time." He chuckled quietly as the doorbell rang. I got up and let Andy in, then went to the kitchen to grab us all a beer before claiming my seat between them. Putting on my tattered converse I went to put on my makeup and do my hair. When i was done i packed my bags in the back of Andy's car and turned to hug Ashley.

"Have a safe trip, call me so i know your stupid ass didn't get arrested, and i'll see you when you get back." I hugged him tightly before climing into the passenger seat of the car. Pulling my knees to my chest I hooked one headphone into my ear flipping on my Pandora channel. "Hey Andy, you think we can get some ice cream?" He smiled over at me nodding.

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